River of Life

I haven’t been working on my second book very much. I am not even completely sure of the title. I half thought that someday, after a potent dream or a meditation, that something divine might come to and through me. It has been a process, that I am now seeing as very spiritual. In the book I am currently reading, “The Lost Art of Scripture” by Karen Armstrong, she discusses the development of the Daoist texts. They say that to be a sage, we need to relinquish the pursuit of experiences that are allied with the ego or the self. Also, in AA, we discuss practicing willingness instead of self-will. Sometimes, I feel that working on my manuscript and the pursuit of putting it out into the world, feels very much like harnessing self-will and interfacing with my ego. But, the practice of my writing, and my blogging with WelcomToTheGrit is anything but. It is a cleansing practice, where I channel my creativity and search deeply inside of my being for words that will help others and myself feel witnessed and spiritually endowed. Somewhere, I must find the bridge that connects this writing with the publishing world. Mostly, I have resolved that being a part of the Way, allowing the will of God in my life, and getting out of the way of my ego and self while flowing with nature and the processes of my healing, is all that there is. If this results in me self-publishing or pursuing an agent then so be it. If it does not, then I have to accept this. Perhaps there is room for a second book. Perhaps in reality, Glass Slippers has not finished working its magic. It has been a birthing process and a gradual realization, putting my first book into the world, and I am willing to accept that there may be a need for more space and time than my willful self or ego sees as necessary. Perhaps I am finally on a spiritual road. No doubt that my writing has brought me here. It must take on its own energy and life, and I will try and get out of the way.

Getting out of the way looks like allowing myself increased space and stillness. I have written of this endlessly in my postings. Right now, there is even more space and a lack of interruption in my life because of quarantining with this COVID-19 situation. I am surprised how much this is serving me. I have been gifted a life where I can act slowly. I can feel and meditate. I can sit in the grass, lie quietly in my bed, walk down the road, and accomplish my chores with space and ease. The more secluded I become, the more connected I actually feel. I feel at one with nature, music, silence, my body, my writing, and my actions. I have the phone, I have FaceTime, I have live videos on Instagram, I have Zoom, and I have Facebook. It does not mean that I won’t eventually miss being around people in their solid form, but right now, during my birthday month and my self-imposed “sabbatical” that I partake in during the months of March and April and during this transition from Winter to Spring, that is so important for my mental health, I cannot think of a better timing for this quarantine.

Putting my manuscript on an official back room shelf, is very symbolic of what my illness has been trying to teach me my entire adult life. What the Way has been trying to show me, and what God has been trying to teach me, ever since I was first hospitalized at the age of eighteen, is that my purpose on this planet is not in line with the ego or the self. Every time I try and be on stage, go to college, get a job, or be in the spotlight, a major lesson is put in my path that blocks this upward road entirely. Somehow, Glass Slippers made it out into the world, and because of my life road with learned authenticity, that is very parallel to my lessons living with mental illness, that process was very challenging. God, my illness, and the Way, have all had a gravity throughout my life, that has enabled me to become grounded. I resonate on a very real level that the Way, the way to wisdom, love, and hope, is not a stairway to heaven, but rather a dissolving into the minuscule and barely visible sands of the river of life.