Holding the Chaos
The geese have been flying over head for a couple of weeks, since we had the smoke cover from the BC fires. But it is also approaching fast the end of summer. Nights have a little chill in the air and the days are becoming just that much shorter as we approach fall. Life has been quiet for Steve and I. He is in recovery still from his spinal reconstructive surgery, and I am taking it easy, practicing yoga in the mornings and working just one or two days a week. We spend time with family and occasionally friends, but most of our time is spent in our cozy home, caring for our surroundings and our animals. Life is good, simple and good.
On my desk I have four 180 page notebooks filled completely with my journaling of the last year. On my break from the Library, I spent three months, every morning writing in my journal and then going to sit in the woods and meditate for approximately 45 minutes while the dogs wandered around me in the brush. About a month or so ago I refreshed my daily goals to consist of reading and yoga. This has spurned the end of my times in the woods and my practice of journaling which I had been doing for about a year and a half, virtually every morning. But life is about evolution. I want to change, I wish to not stay the same, that is essentially what these practices are about. Now as I breathe on my mat, do my stretches and listen to Shantala, I feel I am achieving my morning check in and mediation in a different form. It all has its place and purpose, and I am ever grateful for whatever my morning practice involves.
We still struggle, me with my perpetual balancing of chaos which is my mental disorder and Steve with his healing, strengthening and balancing as he heals from his spinal surgery. Neither of these are small things. Fortunately we have remained positive and bright mostly in our day to day which consists of lots of reading, time with our pets, cooking and cleaning, and just sitting contently in each other’s company. Healing is a slow process, and I have not been the same since my psychotic break in Spring of 2016. I have slowly been working my way back to work, and finding new balance in my self that is ever evolving. Now love between Steve and I seems to be both equal and special. Instead of me leaning on him so heavily and depending on him solely for support, he depends on me as well as we both navigate a disability. I must remind myself that it is no small achievement to keep our heads above the murky waters of attitude and depression as we learn to live with disability. But we are still ourselves and are capable of so much really, we cook and clean, I do yoga and we both go for walks. I am working a little and as I heal form the grief of leaving my last job due to a mental breakdown, I am finding renewed hope through working at the Library.
So this is our life. It is simple and challenging and still rewarding in small and simple ways. We are learning to love and support each other more every day, and we are practicing mindfulness and developing stamina and endurance as we reach for the long haul of recovery.