Being a Sensitive

Today I am feeling tender. I had a nice afternoon yesterday with a friend around a large bonfire in the woods of south Lopez Island. We talked and shared some wine. Today I spent time with my niece of one and a half years, and running around with her and playing on the trampoline reminded me that I am getting older. My body feels fragile. My knee is sore and I have developed a pinch in my shoulder blade and my forearm and elbow are still tender. I also feel like my disability, or heightened ability, or sensitivity makes me feel added sensation in my body. I have been going through some strife in the area or believing in myself. I suffer with issues of feeling successful or feeling like a failure, and I suffer with a wounded ego and sense of self esteem because I feel so much in my body and mind. My friend that I visited reminded me that I am sensitive. She refuses to believe in my illness or that I have a disability. The truth os that I do, but I can't tell you how much I value her perspective. It allows me to stretch my mind in that much needed direction. Could it be true on some plane or alternate reality that I have a gift of sensitivity and that there is really nothing wrong with me? The more I embrace this perspective the more I am able to allow myself to be myself and allow myself to embrace myself. 

I could grow into being a truly sensitive person, a psychic. I could shed the weight that I have put on physically to protect myself, and learn to metabolize all of the feelings of sorrow and grief that I experience. I then would not hold them in my body and they would not hold me back or make me feel sorry for myself. It is often through acceptance that we can turn things around and change for the better. When I spend time with my niece and I see her cry for her mother, I can relate. When I see how much sleep or food can affect her mood I am convinced that I can take care of myself better. But these feelings of need are real. Ada deserves to be treated with tenderness and so do I. When did I ever lose perspective and think I didn't deserve loving forgiveness and care. The truth is that I don't really need forgiveness, I need understanding. This can come from myself. I could understand what I am feeling and allow myself the space I need to process my feelings. Perhaps I will never be able to work a forty hour week, perhaps I will always have days where I feel tender and defeated. But the more awareness I can bring to my sensitivity and the more I can see myself and my struggle in a positive light and even as a gift, the more I will be able to embrace life and live it to the fullest.