Diamonds Made of Tears

My faith will be made stronger. I am hoping and praying every day to find my greater purpose and to continue living in God’s love and light. What I have discovered for the most part lately, is that I am to continue nurturing my friendships and being kind to others and myself. This will do for now, in fact it does follow the message of Jesus in the way that I should treat others the way I wish to be treated. The trick is that I must truly desire to treat myself with compassion and love.

I have entered a time recently where I have been called into self-love in a way that I have needed very much but was ignorant to on some level. I have been asked to take it easy. I know that this does not sound very difficult, but because it is mostly due to my illness plaguing my life, I am highly resistant. I find that in my mind I long for nothing more than to function and to function highly. I recently achieved this in my life and it was disastrous. I found that I was feeding my ego and a picture of death framed in bloody rubies and diamonds made of tears. I would yell at my husband and I suffered greatly internally, though I was much unaware. Part of the reason that I suffered so greatly is the pure neglect of the kindness that God wants to shower me in, and the fact that I was very resistant to slowing down and allowing time and compassion to let this light pour in. This diamond and ruby frame that surrounded a boosted ego came from tearing at my soul, and going into a deep denial of my real needs. All of this was the cost of having a job and making me into the image of a sound and successful human being.

The truth is that I have a disability, a debilitating illness. Every person spends time at the end of their work shift dreading the following day or at least preparing them mentally to go to work for the next couple of days. For me this looked similar, only intensified. I would obsess, I never left work. Because I lack the correct response in my dopamine receptors to tell myself “Job well done”, I strove harder and harder to do a good job with no end in sight. I would ruminate and obsess on my performance and delve deeply into the egomaniacal response of having a role and a job to do. My illness intensifies things, and when I would come home from whatever task I had put myself to at the current time, I would feel safe, but not on an aware core level. Because of this I would yell at my partner. I would cry and scream uncontrollably. I would become rude, evil and mean… all for the sake of feeding my ego.

So now I have discovered that I must feed my relationship with god and not my ego. I have emerged recently from a very difficult time. I was forced into slowing down and leaving my job. Now I am discovering that this is the best thing I have done for myself in a while. Because taking care of my self looks like slowing down and having very little to accomplish. Accomplishment became an Idol that I was worshiping at all costs. It is not like I made it through law school or became a doctor, but I did enough to know that this is not the path that God has called me to. I still can be kind to others and do so much good in the world. I must first take care of myself.