A Condition of Mind

I have many shortcomings. In an attempt to describe them in an all-encompassing way, I must say that they revolve around fear. It is sad to say that there are those that, although originally unknowingly, have instilled fear in my life. I do take full responsibility for when I live these fears in the present, however. I am afraid of being yelled at, so I yell. I am afraid of being unaccepted and this leads to at times over accepting folks, and also in the reverse, a harsh discrimination against some folks. I have found that the people that trigger me to this fear based behavior are the ones that I truly need.

Many years’ ago, when I was at the ripe age of seventeen, I first met Steve, my partner for 17 and a half years and running. I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop, my second home, writing in a journal, reading, or doing homework, I cannot quite remember. At the time I was trying very hard to be different. I was trying desperately to live a bohemian lifestyle, and did succeed in participating in poetry nights and open mics, where I would sing and play guitar, occasionally covering an Ani Difranco song acappella. At this time, one afternoon, long ago, deep in the mire of self-discovery, on the top of posh Queen Ann Hill where I had been born and raised, a man came into my presence. He walked into the coffee shop through the opened large sliding glass doors, bare foot wearing hippy shorts, long fine hair; wild and virtually standing on end, with his dog that was not on a leash. My skin immediately began to crawl at this very lack of appreciation for the way things should be. Utter personal freedom, violated every core principle inside of me that had been ingrained since childhood. My prissy, white privileged, upper middle class self was alive and well. How could this man have no reverence for simple rules like wearing shoes in a business, and he had his dog with him?! I knew, only seconds later, that I must come to know this man. I hated everything that I was and I wanted desperately to rewrite my blueprints. I knew it was the right step to take to challenge this conditioning. A year later we met again and we fell in love.

I still do, however, need some help to break these sterile and oppressive glass walls of my conditioning. I am thankful to my friends that continue to come into my life that challenge me so. It is not that I really hate who I am, but I long to be free, loving to myself and others, and more like Jesus. We have no idea how many people in our culture would benefit from reconditioning, and I do doubt that it is only me. I have disorders and issues, and they have plagued me for many years. I help others and they help me. This is the way the story goes.