The Fine Web of God's Love

5:00 am and the birds are singing. There is definite moisture in the air, the mist high in the trees, yet still low to this livened earth we live on. I am blessed lately with motivation and energy. I have people in my life that are supportive and encouraging. They are helping me greatly to both take care of myself as well as become motivated to helping those around me and turning the daily grind into an opportunity for ministry to others. I feel I am able to take on so much more being close to the Lord, and though I still struggle with becoming tired and worn thin after many days of hard work, I feel confident that I will find the time to nurture myself and those in my immediate surroundings (Steve mostly, and the dogs) that help me to stay grounded and feeling calm.

The other evening I had an explosive moment. It was as if I was searching for something to send me over the edge. I finally found it and felt terrible later, brought to tears that I would say some of the mean things that I said and that I behaved the way that I did. Even though I try to stay close to awareness around expending myself too far and too much, I can easily forget to care for myself. I put high expectations on my performance both out in the world at my jobs, and at home with the daily messes that we all try to clean up and maintain. I am not perfect at this, and yet I still strive to be. Often you will find me in a bad mood when I am tackling a large amount of dishes, mowing the lawn, or doing laundry. I must learn to find my center, and at times accept that things will remain messy for a period of time, or when I decide to clean, to move slowly and meditatively through it. Another lesson is to learn when to say no. Always, I struggle with fitting too much in. Sometimes things can wait. Sometimes we must go without seeing friends. Sometimes we are not able to make a group or a class or a discussion we crave to be a part of. This does not negate all the work that I have done, and I must trust the Lord that my work, time and thoughts are still valued and large in their presence. I am good, worthy and doing well in all that I do. Without God, I do not know that I would know this, and as I strengthen my relationship with God, I grow more every day in seeing my true value; in identifying with the fact that I am loved, perfect and forgiven. I have started new, and I have always been woven into the fine web of God’s love.