Momentous Love

Well it is interesting, my arm being injured a few weeks before I have to move and lift many heavy boxes and my furniture. These last few days I have been enjoying not answering to anyone. I am taking a break from yoga because of my arm, and I have gone on a few walks by myself, unscheduled and untimed or planned. I have found it nurturing a few times to just sprawl out on the wood floor or the carpet. Since I was a child I loved being on this level. To just flop out on the floor seems to bring me to a guttural place, perhaps a habit when I was a toddler, spending a lot of time on the floor, and having lack of obligation, not a care in the world other than a snack from my mom’s bosom or a clean diaper. Yes this seems totally doable, since I seem to be able to handle to feed myself and take care of my most basic needs on my own.

I feel grateful for a healthy and beautiful body, I feel proud to clean my house and love Steve. I am pretty awesome, and able to do my job well, write, paint, and give advice. I can smile and have a conversation, care about others, listen to music, sing and pray. Life seems to be full of so many gifts that I am welcome to receive. I am fine and I am blessed. The past few weeks I have been quite moody, agitated, driven to anger, and generally unhappy. But I was able to work through these feelings, realizing that all I need to do in this life is be me. I need to not be afraid what this means in front of others. I apologize often and I seem to be happier when I refrain from this and speak whatever truth I am feeling without reservation. Maintaining relationships with people that want to turn away and be hateful of their own accord is beyond my control, and I need to have faith that I myself am fine, a good person, and be solid in my sense of self.  There are moments for an F-U, there are moments for the C word, and there are moments to not care about what other people think; and then instead of apologizing, I know that Jesus loves me and wants me to come to Him as I am. Come as you are, be forgiven, love yourself, be yourself and love others with a large heart. As long as you are doing this you are set. I am learning that Faith in circumstances and love for myself, are two truths above all others. I am also learning that being grateful at many moments throughout the day keeps my perspective grounded and I am able to be happy with a loving heart, and accomplish these two tasks; having Faith and loving others. Number one at the most core level; love oneself, without reservation. There is no need to worry about falling short. There is no need to push myself beyond recognition or make my life about answering to others. I answer to God, as long as I am good with God, I can resolve to be at peace. Thankfully, having a relationship with Him, I see that what my own mind thinks is not always right, and his divine plans are not always in line with my human mind. Again God loves me as I am, and trusts me. When He has a plan, because of this love, I must trust that all will play out as told. Trust in this, for the moving of the world to his divine plan, often takes many turns that we cannot make sense of ourselves in order to achieve his end result. Thank you, Lord for being in my life, and loving me on a scale so momentous… I strive to achieve this love for myself and the world around me.