Inner Flower

Pixabay

Insane thoughts

Spinning in my mind;

Paranoid agitation,

I was consumed by lies…

Lies that I created.

Now,

I am just angry.

At forty milligrams

Of Olanzapine,

I am sober,

I am awakening to

The reality

That actually surrounds me.

My husband is sick,

And I am weak.

Though I feel clear

And capable, in a way

That I have not for many years.

Breath and strength -

My partner lacks.

Sustainability and energy - 

I myself lack.

I trudge and meditate

Through these days

Of recovery,

Of early sobriety,

Moment by moment,

Day by day,

And I tell myself I will be okay.

In the past I couldn’t

Even tell myself this.

I craved for Steve to say these words

To me, and he would,

I would cry and say to him, 

That I did not yet have faith.

True faith eluded me,

Lost in my struggle,

Lost in general.

So, I applied myself,

To the purpose 

Of discovering faith,

Of realizing hope.

And set off on my lonely ship,

Sailing the waters;

In search of sanity,

In search of balance.

And what I found, 

Was my self.

My physical self.

My sexual self.

My self made of real flesh…

And also, of spirit.

I became lost over and over;

As I abandoned work, and

As I embraced the woods.

And I dove into writing.

Extensive journaling, blogging,

Writing fiction, poetry,

Letter upon Letter,

Writing a second memoir…

And I faced my deep, dark

Pit of aloneness.

I found myself, then

Among the fellowship.

I became the hunchback.

Retired, beaten, worn, and

Hopeful.

Sitting on the bench,

Beneath the Bell,

At the door to the church;

I know I am home,

I know that If I can just stay,

That I will find faith here.

I am the bell ringer.

I also announce the phone list 

On Thursdays.

I write, 

However symptoms make 

My reading

Spotty, taxing, and brief.

I have shame here;

No degree, no reading talent - 

I am not well read.

Though I can assure myself

That the words that I do read,

I absorb fully.

I still cannot find the bride,

The wife I can find.

I have never been alone…

This I know.

This is truth, and is comforting.

Still, within solitary solitude,

Is where I know who I truly am,

At a core level.

My inner flower,

Alone,

On the dark side of the moon.

That is where you will find me

Learning, awakening,

And ascertaining faith.