Soul Speaking
Last night I awoke with a pain in my chest. I asked Steve gently if he was awake, and I told him about the pain that was directly over my heart. He assured me that if the pain was not moving around it most likely was not a heart attack. The pain also felt very muscular skeletal and I laid down my head and went back to sleep. When I got up this morning the pain was still there. Somehow, I strained a deep muscle in my chest in my sleep. I grabbed a shirt out of the dryer and put it on. As I was coming in from my morning cigarette, I spilled coffee down my chest on my clean light grey shirt. A metaphor for life being so utterly out of my control. Chaos and entropy are holy forces in our universe. Our need for control, or our desire for control, resists these natural and sacred forces. So I smiled at the coffee stain.
Acceptance is a tool we can use to address our need or desire for control. There are so many things that are out of our control, truly everything, and we can practice acceptance when faced with things that feel hard. Right now, I am dealing with some weight gain. I am also trying to smoke less. I need to accept that these things feel out of my control. I must sit with the uncomfortable feelings, and allow for micro victories. The difficulty that surrounds my smoking and eating results in my living moment to moment and day to day. I crave to bring awareness to these parts of my life, so that I can reach minor goals day to day and hour to hour. I must give myself credit for bringing attention to these out of control mechanisms in my life. And when I sit in acceptance, I find that I am able to release tension. I am able to love myself right where I am at, and then move slowly and gently in the direction of progress.
My partner and I are both disabled. Steve became increasingly disabled over a year ago as he developed an infection in his lungs. He could no longer walk the dog, and was less capable around the house. I have put increasing pressure on myself over this last year to tackle the floors, the laundry, the yard, the bathrooms, and sometimes cooking and cleaning in the kitchen. I have to admit and accept that the disorder and dirt feels so out of my control. As I accept this lately, I feel so much more free and content. It brings me back to the third step in Alcoholics Anonymous, “Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood [them]”. This can also be interpreted as accepting and respecting entropy and chaos in our lives. Honestly, the standard I have for a clean house is coming from an unconscious place in the recesses of my consciousness, and it is not serving me today. So I learn to lay back, let go, and I watch the weeds grow in the yard. I vacuum only when I have the energy, and I do it less thoroughly. Laundry may sit in baskets for several days. As I write this, I feel a weight in my chest speaking to me. Who am I impressing? How is stressing out serving me? Definitely not Steve and I. We can deal with a little dirt and chaos in our living space.
It feels like freedom to accept chaos. It feels like acceptance, and allows for transformation. I can check in with deeper parts of my being, and address deep down clutter in my soul, as I ignore the clutter and dust that surrounds me. My soul is becoming cleaner. I can feel the possibility of real hope and progress. The thought of having a heart attack in the night, made me think deeply about how precious every moment is. I can allow for acceptance and giving my life over to the forces of nature, God included. So, I am slowing down. I am learning to sit with stillness and feel acceptance in every passing moment. Giving my life over to God, is surrendering to all of the chaos both within and without. My attempt to control my environment, my body, and my addictions, only leads me further away from the forces to which I wish to surrender. I am not giving up, rather I am choosing this moment exactly as it is. As I do this, I can let the light in, and soon I can feel myself able to change the things that truly matter.