So many things exist in a framework of reality, that we constantly question their validity. We go through our days immersed in illusion, and these illusions either feed our egos or challenge them. In the AA Big Book, this type of activity is referred to as “morbid reflection” (p.86) or “self-will” which evokes the symptom of false pride. In this life, I have struggled significantly with the addiction of an eating disorder, though this disorder has been in remission since I was a teenager. I can exhibit false pride in my relationship to my body, and live in denial of my need to eat properly and exercise. I can use the ego to enable my dismissal and denial of my physical form and condition. I can also overly indulge in self-deprecating thought or morbid reflection, and talk down to myself and my body. Somehow, through working the program, through sharing with my peers in meetings, or talking with my sponsor or therapist, I can actively pursue grasping reality. Reality does not need to be painted in positive colors, but I find, due to the fact that I tend towards morbid reflection, that when my peers and friends reflect what’s real back to me, and I begin to grasp the reality of my situation, what is true is much better than what I had “imagined” or “thought” on my own. It is as if in recovery, through acceptance of the dark and unholy places, we emerge intuitively and spiritually to find that our reality, in its true hue, is very good news. When we are over-bloating our egos and practicing self-will, we still do not have a sense of worth that is grounded and based in reality. Reality, in all its perspective, is truly a gift.

I have suffered with psychosis ever since I became mentally ill when I was 17. Addiction is not the only thing that creates a warped sense of what truly is. For me, the neurotransmitters in my brain cause illusion and delusion, aka psychosis, without actively practicing self-will or morbid reflection. I take medications to help me find basic reality. But I still must heal and transform my addictive behaviors if I wish to be truly free of delusion in my life. As a world, we struggle collectively with not being grounded in reality. This is why our greater existence is headed towards disaster. If we can heal each and every soul, and bring them into the light and away from the illusions that are drowning each individual person, we as a larger collective species may transform our bigger problems. Unfortunately, we are so caught up in our egos, in lying to ourselves, in denying our emotions, in false senses of self-worth, that we cannot even see our feet. We need to find the ground. The spiritual program speaks of working for, and living for, others. The program greatly stresses the spiritual aspect of a Higher power, and this God attempts to pull us out of delusion, self-will, ego driven behavior, and eventually to find worth in a sense of reality. But how then do we find this reality? I have seen many a member of AA disregard the need for a God or Higher power, and to a true atheist or agnostic, I believe this is because God does not feel real to them. Must we believe in the unbelievable before we find a sense of what is real?

I have learned while living with addiction in my life, that I cannot always trust my thoughts and urges. There are times when I must deny myself, or reach out to find a better and bigger truth. A Christian God is very good at helping me believe that I am loved, forgiven, and it helps me find purpose in dark and painful places that I have lived. But, Jesus does not always help me find reality. For that I need human intervention. I need others, my sponsor, and my family… as long as what is being exhibited is balanced and objective love and reflection. Unfortunately, sometimes it is our closest relationships that are out of balance, and even toxic, and then one must seek outside help. As a survivor, a mental health patient, an alcoholic, and someone who has suffered an eating disorder, I have many personal sabotaging behaviors that pull me further from finding a solid footing in both reality and love. I have been blessed to have healthy relationships. Still, the rooms of AA have me further immersed in a culture that is helping me find my true reality every single day. It is a constant program of checks and balances. I must work towards finding myself, my true self, daily and hourly. I am getting better at it. Things are not as bad as I sometimes believe. It is through real perspective, that I find my purpose and my reality. It is within the cloth of family, tribe, and partnership, that I eventually find sure footing in reality. Life may be insanely unfair, but reality is not so bad. What we create in our heads through actively pursuing addiction, or failing to treat and medicate chemical imbalance, is incredibly full of pain, denial, and delusion. Love, God, will help us find a journey toward the truth, but to actively seek reality, we must practice objectivity in pure form. To due this, we become humble and we trust that there is a way out of our deluded thinking. We need to learn to recognize the true from the false. We must seek honesty and practice telling the truth at every curve. We must stop calling ourselves sickening names, or falsely worshiping idols or dreams that are not real. We imagine the bottom to be never ending because we refuse to wake up and see our own feet. I need to start with that. As they say, the truth shall set you free. Once we find the ground, we begin to follow the path toward our home. A home that is good, a home where we are free, a home where we are not afraid anymore, and a home within peace and serenity.