Simplicity, Serenity, Surrender

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Yesterday was my partner’s 60th birthday, and we had a very normal day. That is what he wanted. And it has got me thinking, because I relate being over forty years old and not wanting excessive attention on my birthday, is it really emotionally mature to celebrate our birthdays? Steve and I have also discussed recently that we have very little interest in travel, vacations or concerts as of late. We are both disabled, and simply going off island for a doctor’s appointment and going out for Thai food is about the extent of our entertainment in the way of getting out. I myself do not do well emotionally with too much exertion and Steve, being physically disabled, does not do well with too much adventure. We are grateful to be left alone in our simple life. Yesterday, I bought him a special beer, and made a nice meal at home. This was all he wanted. And I understand. I myself want to be left alone with my routine; my writing, exercising, meetings, chores. It feels right to be left alone to go about my life just as it is.

The day is dark, rainy and cold. It is officially mid-October. Yesterday, I got out for two walks in the rain, and it was a pleasant experience. I think it is okay to have manageable goals, and very little expectation in my life. I see others around me, and they are going for camping trips, traveling, going to football games in the city, and road tripping through the states. I understand that this is normal for certain people. I am lucky to be so content with my current life. I still have luxury in my day to day. I get to sit down in the field by the willow tree; drink coffee, read, listen to music, and meditate with my dog at my side. I get to lounge in my chair and watch my favorite television shows. I am home all day with my partner, and we spend time talking or playing scrabble and cribbage. I am free to support friends in whatever way that looks like. I make playlists and walk everyday the one mile to the church and then back. I sit in my office and write on my blog, play spider solitaire, and attend Zoom meetings. I am home, and I spend a lot of time loving on my cat and my dog. Every day I go to the store to buy groceries, and we cook healthy meals of real food; I have enough money to afford the food that I want to eat. Life is good. Life is so rich in its simplicity. I really do not want or need more excitement or escape.

There is a lot of pressure in my family to celebrate the holidays. Yesterday, it was a good lesson in how you can sit quietly with a holiday, and can just let it pass as yet another normal and average day. I hope that when my birthday comes around in March, or when I eventually accumulate one year of sobriety, I am able to see it as just one more day. Every day is special, and every day should be met with intention and purpose. We can find this purpose in the simple things in life. Like cooking meals and spending time with loved ones. Like meditating in nature, or walking down the road listening to music. I am so lucky. I want my life just as it is. Don’t take me away to some motel by the ocean, cabin in the woods, or hotel in the city. I am fine right where I am. This day is special. Every day is special. We learn that in the program of AA. One day at a time, and always to practice gratitude. 

Simplicity looks like filling the empty spaces in life with gratitude and intention. Simplicity looks like desiring and honoring every gyration however mundane. Simplicity looks like getting excited about daily meals and bringing intention into my eating habits. Simplicity looks like getting to know my home with more affection and intention. Serenity looks like acceptance of the dust and the crumbs. Serenity looks like taking the time to shower my dog with pets and attention. Serenity looks like following the notes of the classical music that is paying while soaking in hot water. Serenity looks like loving my partner even when I do not like what he is saying. Surrender looks like sitting still with the sadness and looking to nature. Surrender looks like honoring the silence, and finding peace inside the noise. Surrender looks like finding God’s will in the ordinary. Surrender looks like loving all of my flaws, physical and emotional. Surrender looks like loving the rain as it soaks my clothes while walking down the road. In all of these spaces and moments in time there is opportunity for growth, healing and change. This life is what it is. I have enough. I am grateful to be able to write these words on this page today, and to cherish this very moment in which I exist.