Rest

Today is a recovery day. I have been pushing myself at the gym, and with the fourth, I haven’t experienced a real rest day for a while. I did try to rest on Thursday, as I worked out Monday through Wednesday. It was a good week, and I need rest. This weekend, I plan to go to the dump and I don’t really have anything else on my plate (besides the usual). I try to make the gym on Saturdays, but today I must listen to my body. Exercise for someone with acute mental illness such as myself, must be managed. If I push myself too hard, and I do not take time off, I can easily push myself over the edge into symptomatic behavior. Four days at the gym every week seems to be a good limit. As an athlete by nature, I usually push myself, and so learning balance and taking it a little easier during my workouts, is an important skill and boundary for my mental health. I am so grateful to have proper motivation, and also a life that allows me to take this important time off for my health.

Another task I have added to my routine, is a meeting every night at seven pm. Attending this support group has me keeping my eye on much needed healing. Last night the theme was acting oneself into right thinking. The speaker focused on how if we attend meetings, if we do what is asked of us, that right action and thought would come with time. I felt this slow evolution happening within me while attending last night’s meeting. Attending meetings in itself is keeping me focused on a spiritual program that greatly benefits my mental health. 

My goal is to be here for the people in my life. My parents need me. Sometimes all I can offer is an ear to listen, and that is okay. It keeps me focused on something outside of myself. My sister is expanding her family and is pregnant. I cannot always offer help in the way of childcare, but if I am not consumed with my own writing projects, I can be more available during spontaneous moments in order to jump in and spend much needed time with my six year old niece. I do not always feel like spending time on the phone, and there are defiantly times when I just let the phone ring. There are also times when I am able to reach out to friends on the phone, or even planned visits. Being there for others is a fundamental part of working a spiritual program. For me, spirituality is about removing control, an out of balance ego, and achievement from my life. It is about being available for spontaneous living. It is about practicing gratitude and getting out of my own way.

I have been focused these last couple weeks on finding and uniting with God’s will. It turns out, living with schizoaffective disorder, I have spent many days and years trying to master or control myself out of my illness. Grace looks like accepting these weak moments. Resting for a day, and practicing stillness, is a perfect example of getting out of my own way. My body needs rest, and I, too, need psychological stillness. It is in these recuperative states, both mental and physical, that I take the time to pray or meditate. The body and mind both need to recharge, and this is fundamental for living in recovery. More is not always the answer. Who knew? In fact, ‘less’ or ‘good enough’ can exist as a profound mantra for someone such as myself.

Outside, the sun is gentle and is kissing the brown grass that dried up during the extreme heat we had recently. The wind is blowing in my window, and my music is guiding the typing of my fingers on the keyboard. My partner is in the room next to me, and I am grateful for his presence in my life. It is so nice to have him there as a constant reminder that I am not alone. If we can soften, we can let the love in. It pours out from nature, from our families and friends, and from ethos that is everywhere. I fear that ‘we the people’ do not spend enough time in spiritual gratitude for all we have in today’s world; a world desperately needs us to fix and change so much. I pray the stillness that I am searching for this fine sunny day, reaches deep into any darkness of spirit, and seizes the pieces of my broken heart that still linger in my chest cavity. I must realize and embrace the stillness to find true gratitude and hope. I am not broken; I am healing. How lucky I am to be here, right where I am in this life.