Sitting at the willow tree underneath the late August sun, I take my shirt off and feel the warm rays caress my back. I am here for the third day in a row on a mission to absorb and take in the sixth and seventh steps of AA; becoming ready, and then asking my creator to remove from me all my defects of character, so that I can become useful to God and those around me. My journey in the program thus far, has already lent to me becoming a softer human being who is kind and caring towards others. I have felt God become present in my life, and found a new avenue to walk. I have discovered my partner becoming increasingly supportive, as I have emerged from the darkness, to be soft and kind while in recovery. 

The defect that is most pronounced within me, is judgment of self and hence the judgement of others. As I become less consumed with my ego, I am naturally more tolerant, kind and accepting towards both myself and other human beings. I am gravitating toward healthy relationships, and I am finding myself useful. It is this word, usefulness, that sticks out in the seventh step prayer. It embodies a selflessness and a general caring for others, and it brings me outside of myself. Since 2018, I have been polishing a manuscript that I thought was going to be my second self-published work. I have struggled with moving forward for some time. I carefully ruled out self publisher after self publisher, and I felt very lost in the process. I had come across the money to move forward, but I still could not make a commitment. I may still someday, but it is 2021 now, and I have decided that pursuing my writing in this way only causes stress. I recently published several new essays on my website from that manuscript, and I let go. Where have I landed? In a life where I can be useful to my partner, parents, family and friends, in a way that feeds my soul. I plan to follow this journey further out of, and therefore deeper into, myself. As I become increasingly selfless and willing, I am finding new paths into my emotional and spiritual wellbeing that are allowing new breakthroughs in my healing.

At the ancient willow tree this morning, I felt shaky at first. I could not read very well, and I had gotten sick before I came down, and had thrown up my coffee and prune juice into the bathtub. Often I become nauseous in the mornings when I am not mentally well. It is a symptom that is very predictable. I threw up a lot as a child, and have always been a nauseous human being. As a kid, this could have acted as a barometer for me learning to manage my stress at an early age, but because of the busyness of my family and the need to keep moving, I think that it was just tolerated and maybe even ignored. I can’t afford to ignore this in my adult years, as I suffer from acute mental illness, and I need to keep balance. The longer I sat by the willow tree, the more I calmed down. I was able to finish a book on the sixth and seventh steps called “Drop the Rock”, which I have been reading at the tree the last couple of mornings. The sunlight was gorgeous on the willow tree and in the fields beyond. I watched the geese flying low over the valley, and listened to their honking. I shed layers and found calm. My dog sat with me and rolled around in the course dry grass. My whole body breathed down into the roots that lay below the surface where I sat. I became humbled by nature’s beauty. I let the nauseousness fall away and I soaked in the serenity.

Living with acute mental illness is never without its challenges. I am grateful to have found sobriety in my forties, so that I can attend my wellness with increased integrity. What I am finding, is that I am useful to other people, and this sense of usefulness breeds a much needed sense of purpose and healthy pride that glows illuminate in the golden light of the universe. I do not feel lost and unworthy. There is no room for judgement of self and others, only acceptance. Just like the branches of the willow, I can make new growth come from my old dead branches that have fallen. I am resilient. As I become new, while doing the work of the twelve steps, and I clean up my own house or backyard, I find perspective about what it means to be human. I find that love and acceptance come when we are able to help others, even if that means simply being kind. So, I share this seventh step prayer below, in the hopes that these words ring true within me, and that I continue to move forward in usefulness to others and my creator. 

Seventh Step Prayer -

My Creator,

I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad.

I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character

which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows.

Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding.