“There are three things that we can control; our actions, reactions, and expectations.”

-Anonymous

It is such a relief that I can change something; that I have the freedom of choice and that I can utilize this choice to engage and make my life better. I have known for some time that it all comes down to choice, and that I must take responsibility for my actions whatever my mental illness. Thanks to an anonymous friend who gently reminded me in a temporary moment of insanity that mental illness cannot be used as an excuse to exhibit bad behavior. My partner also urged me to learn to take responsibility for my actions in my mid-twenties. Since then, I have been empowered to choose in every moment whether or not to indulge in a symptom. Every moment, every symptom that I experience, ultimately comes down to choice.

Hence the action and reaction part of this quote. Originally, it felt like betrayal to realize that I was responsible for my mental illness, but once this sunk in, it was incredibly empowering. And today, I am finding new empowerment in my program, to drive home even more that I must choose whether I act negatively or react in within an emotional body or traumatized state. What a revelation. In active addiction, and active mental illness, it does not always feel like we have a choice. But, I urge you to reclaim your power and to know in your deepest innermost being, that you can change for the better. Take choice into your hands, and try to act your way to salvation. Choose to act and react in compassion and enlightenment. We only have this one life, and so when we get to choose, in every instance and in every moment, we can become happier and saner human beings. It is our free will. We are still human, and will err and make bad choices, but in these cases, we can then choose to make things better and rectify our situation by continuing to make choices and changing our direction, while taking action to move us closer a life of balance and sanity.

When I react in a state of trauma, I am not making decisions based in reality. This is called trauma informed action. This is an example of “letting” mental illness run rampant in my life. I choose this. Also, when I allow mania to continue, and choose not to stop and ground myself and take medication, I am actively choosing to indulge in symptomatic behavior. Know that the higher you go and the longer you stay there, with bipolar disorder, the lower you will go and the longer you stay there. In acute cases of mental illness, our much needed medication gives us the upper hand in managing our illness, and improves our ability to change and control our behavior through choice, action, and reaction. All of a sudden, control becomes my friend instead of my enemy. I become empowered to choose and make myself better. Soon, I will be able to take my oxygen mask off and reach out to and help others that may need a helping hand on the road of recovery.

And last but not least, I can control my expectation. This regards myself and others. Expectation only leads to misery. It often takes us to a state of vanity and external reality. Please love yourself today and give yourself a much needed break, and relief, from the devastating effects of expectation. I believe that expectation can be one of the major contributors to suicidal ideation. Many people suffer with this, some without diagnosis or addiction. Releasing ourselves from expectations, we then can find soft ground to stand on, allow in true compassion for ourselves and others, and then find ourselves living from the inside out. It is inside that we find spirit, our aching souls, and healing. Let go, find peace, take ahold of your choice to act, react, and expect, and you will be on the road to recovery. You are not alone… there are so many of us that you will meet on this “Road of Happy Destiny” (AA’s Big Book p. 164).