I Was Born This Way

It is cold and chilly outside. It is on and off again raining and it is the middle of July. We have not had much summer weather this year and most people I talk to are fine with it. Heat levels are soaring all over the country and planet, and we are grateful for the rain and lack of drought. The cool and cloudy temps this June and July have not stopped me from taking refreshing swims in my Mom’s beautiful pond here on the property.

I have not been that well lately. It is not an emergency, but my mental health has been strained and I am coming out of a minor episode that has dominated my existence for over a week. Luckily psychosis has been held at bay, though I have had to fight off some strange thoughts. I dealt with a day of mania and then a day where I dipped down into depressive thought. Since then I have been managing fatigue and tenderness. I have not been working out, for a while, a fifteen day stretch, I was meditating for an hour in the morning or so, but I have currently lost interest in that. My chores are waxing, but Steve has been helping more as he is feeling and doing much better. His health issues have improved with change in diet and lifestyle, and I am so proud of him. I am also grateful for the opportunity to do less, and take care of my mental health first before anything else.

So, things are good, just a bit slow. I am okay with that. I have been reading a lot and limiting stimulus on social media, television, and with music, though yesterday I was able to watch some TV in my bed on my phone and that felt relaxing, and this morning I have been enjoying music, a playlist I made a while ago that I have barely listened to. I am going through a lot. I am coming out. I am reclaiming He/Him pronouns, and I am merging with my true identity of being a Trans Man. I am done pussy footing around, and I am comfortable with completely emerging from the shadows in my past, a life where I confined and contorted every day to try and be a woman. I was born this way. The roots of my Transgender-ness stretch back all the way through my childhood to the beginning. Due to trauma and mental illness, the grave and very serious diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, I was unable to sew congruity through my past nor was I able to find and be my true authentic self. A couple days ago my mother aided me in hanging a Trans flag on my fence and we bonded. It was so sweet. I also bought a flag for my dad per his request, and he is planning to hang it at his farm. I have a sticker on my car, and I am ready to present 100 percent as male as I can. This all feels so so good.

For over a year, I have been attending TGAA, a Trans and Alcoholic support group online. Many that are in these rooms found the courage to come out after becoming sober and living sober for a bit. I have been sober now for ten months, and attending AA support meetings for three years. Back in 2007, I was in AA for a year and collected a year chip, but then “went back out” for another fifteen years, though I can read in my writing that I have been abstaining intermittently since 2017 abouts. In 2007, I also knew I was Trans, wanted to come out, but dealing with my schizoaffective disorder and returning to drinking became my realities. My husband/partner (we are not married, on paperwork we are just roommates), has been with me since I was nineteen, I am 43 now, and he is not necessarily Cis gender as he has Kleinfelders syndrome and is trichromosomal, meaning he has three chromosomes instead of two; he is XXY. This has always lent to a matching between the two of us that does not feel strait, though we are society-nonconformists and a couple of old hippies, and never have tried to be “normal” and/or cisgender in life, though we did appear this way for most of our time together.

Here is to finding our authentic selves, whether that is not shaming yourself as a person of color, or having the courage to be out with your gender or sexuality. We can make the world a safer place. I feel mostly safe in my island community, and I am grateful to be blessed with the courage and endless support I get from my friends, to find and be who I truly am. I believe it will only get better.