Finding Serenity

Today is a very special day. I have arrived at six months without a drink. It is also the month-versary of the first date of sobriety that I had, July 11tth, 2019, and it has been two years and eight months since I had a cocktail or any hard alcohol. I have also been in the spiritual program of AA for this longer amount of time. I have learned a lot in this program these last two and a half years. Still, the saddle of AA proved challenging to ride at first. Before I entered AA, I had attempted quitting drinking with moderate success, but I decided I need added support. It took being in AA over two years to feel solid in the program. At one time, I had eight and a half months of sobriety, but I did not stay sober when a friend of mine died. I also entered a mental health episode at that time, during which I questioned a lot of things, including AA. I now have a sense that I will stay in this program indefinitely, and I look forward to celebrating many months and years to come.

I was presented with a challenging experience off-island on Wednesday, but I did not ever want to drink. Instead, I came home with immense and glowing gratitude. I would not have experienced this beauty, had I not been practicing the spiritual principles of AA. We spent four and a half hours in Emergency at Island hospital. Steve’s heart rate was pretty high, and they took all the precautions, as high heart rate can be indicative of much more serious problems. Turns out none of those instances were true. Steve said he felt fine the whole time, and they finally let us go. The time spent in Emergency, receiving fluids interveniously, getting 2 EKG’s, multiple CT scans, two rounds of blood work, and monitoring his heart rate and blood pressure, was a blessing in a few ways. One was that we now know that Steve has no “hidden” illness, and another was the gratitude I was blanketed in upon arriving home. 

Being released from the ER felt like true freedom. We went to the reservation to fill up on gas, picked up some sushi at the grocery store, and made it into the ferry line with time to spare. The ferry ride felt long and cramped, because I so longed to be home. Driving off of the ferry, the road on Lopez was quiet and serene. I couldn’t believe how peaceful the island felt. Then we pulled down our curvy dirt driveway, and came upon our little trailer. It felt like entering a nook in the woods in a fairy tale. Walking into the house, I was covered with peace. All seemed settled, lovely, holy, and safe. We were free once again, and we were home.

I also felt closer to my husband after our shared experience in the ER. Sitting there watching him so closely for four and a half hours, helped refresh my appreciation for him in my life. Just to be at his side brings me comfort. Being faced with the possibility of losing him in some way, I entered greater appreciation for his health and wellness. Most of all, I want to be at his side. And I am. I can bring increased intention to how I interact with Steve. I can become more “willing” to be his supporter and friend. How can I give back to the man who provides me with such feelings of support and love? There is a simplicity that I am reminded of, that what is truly important is our health and time together. What really matters in this life? It is our bodies and souls. It is our experience. How we choose to experience this life is largely in our hands. 

I am grateful for this reminder, that our trip to the ER provided. I have so much. Most important is the health and well-being of my loved ones. It is knowing peace, and cultivating a loving environment for Steve and I and our cat and dog. Not getting caught up in perfection and remaining non-judgmental; these are things I am learning in the program. Gratitude and acceptance are moving forces towards healing and living day to day, moment to moment. Living a spiritual life, has allowed me to see this. I must be loving. I must move slowly through my Karma. And now I have received such a gift, to realize that I am living this way. There is reassurance that I am on this path as I take my six month coin this afternoon. I have worked towards serenity, and I am finding it.