I want to write more about acceptance and what a powerful force it can take in my life. For many years, I have looked at transforming my conception of my mental illness, trying to see what can appear a curse, as a gift. This is no small task. Acceptance has played a huge role in trying to do this. First, I must accept myself in all of my colors, if I am going to attempt viewing them in a positive light. Alcoholics Anonymous has played a role recently, in transforming what darkness still lay inside of me, into light, healing, strength, and courage. Often, in the program, one hears a member who has many years of sobriety say that they are a grateful alcoholic. They are truly grateful to have lived the life they have lived, with the life-threatening disease of alcoholism. The illness may have acted like a curse in their lives for many years, but it brought them ultimately to recovery, where they learned to give their life over to a Higher Power, learned to help others, and thus had a spiritual awakening or a spiritual experience from living and working the twelve steps. These steps have us unravel the darkest patterns in our beings, accept them, share them with another, and then search for a way to release them forever. This process has me looking even further into my past. For over a decade, I have yearned to see my mental illness as a gift. I have sought for other language: psychic ability, sensitivity, mental gift, etc., in order to redefine what ailed me so. But it wasn’t until I accepted my disability fully, gave up trying to prove myself through work and other projects that stroked my ego, and entered recovery full time, that I was able to let the healing presence of God fully take over my life.

I was left with a deficit in my being, a hole very deep and dark, when I learned that my life was going to be living with schizoaffective disorder, and that it probably was never going to go away. Because I had this “hole”, I tried to fill it with work, art, projects, and achievements, that proved that I had no great deficit. I worked, painted, studied, and volunteered vigorously, so that I could show that I was worthy. My drinking became a crutch and a tool that allowed me to do so. But I lacked a spiritual presence. When I did discover God, ten years ago, in a traditional fashion, I learned to identify with Christ or a Christ consciousness, and not with what I could or could not do. I felt a weight lifted, as I allowed the concept of my mental illness being a gift into my life. I was told that our pain and our struggles can be transformed by Jesus. AA teaches us this as well. Maybe not “Jesus” exactly, but AA shows that we are not defined by our faults, and that we can transform ourselves into spiritual beings within the program. 

Even though I had found Faith, I still had not fully accepted my illness. Later, as I explored spirituality further and redefined it many times, I quit drinking, found AA, and gave up on my pursuits to achieve. This achievement would have me looking into my past, to peers on FaceBook, and I could say, look what I was able to accomplish! I wrote a book, had a career in early childhood education, wrote children’s music, volunteered and worked at the Library, etc. I was well on my way to publishing a second book, when I was confronted with acute mental illness again in my life. 2016 was not a freak episode. I continued to have major episodes in 2018, 2019, and 2021. I avoided the hospital. 

This lapse in my health had me accepting mental illness all over again. A disease that had stayed in remission for almost a decade came back, and I was devastated. I was not well enough to attend my twentieth reunion at my prestigious artsy high school. I felt I had nothing to show for myself because I was jobless. It took all of 2017, 2018, and 2019, before I quit pursuing possible avenues of employment, volunteering, or self-publishing my second manuscript. It was my writing and my creativity, however, that helped me arrive at the deep realization that I must fully accept my fate living with debilitating mental illness. Hundreds of pages of journaling, writing a memoir, and blogging, helped me find the spiritual tipping-off point where I became to know that I am enough, just as I am. That I mustn’t equate my worth on a resume. My husband became disabled as well in 2017, and this helped with my self-acceptance, because I loved him unconditionally whether he could walk or not, so why not love myself whether I could publish, work, and achieve, or not? 

Let go of the need to compare myself to my peers with their houses, families, and PHD’s. I am enough. Find the light in your past by accepting all that you are. Work the twelve steps, and bring healing to your resentments and your anger. Make apologies. Live one day at a time, and put your recovery before anything else in your life. Slow down, quit drinking, and take your healing seriously. Be in recovery every day, and go the extra mile with acceptance. Enough is enough! You are enough, and you are worth it. Learn to ask for the help you need, and to let the love in. Accept all that you are, broken and healed alike. I now have slowed my life in this way, and am able to witness the actual healing and transformation that something such as acceptance can bring. I accept my body, I accept my disability, my relationship, my family, my home, and my life, just as it is. As I do this, I can see the true value in all that I have accomplished despite having a debilitating mental disability. I can also allow space and time to exist with the sole purpose to love and accept my life, not change and contort to meet an expectation that is unrealistic. I must stop here and now, and accept every fiber of my being.