Everybody Cares and Nobody Cares, What is the Difference?

Life can be viewed in many different lights. When I am emerging out of a time of psychosis, such as now, a thought such as “nobody cares”, can be very comforting. Also, people who love and support us in our lives care very much. Love is an amazing thing. Love can turn people into supportive beings that try only to see the good in another human. People become forgiving and accepting. We soon learn, around those that are able to witness our vulnerabilities, that not only are we forgiven, but in my case where I deal with psychosis, much of what I am afraid of is not even visible to others. I still carry guilt and shame about my thoughts and behaviors, but it is less about worrying about what people think, and is more about making peace within myself. I still need time. Practicing a twelve step program, attending Church and being part of a church community, and strengthening spiritual practice and self care, I thus work on my personal issues. I deal with a level of fear that I have done something wrong by being psychotic. The truth is that I was very sick, and I was not in control of my thoughts and behavior. I have trouble separating out fourth step work and self acceptance while living with mental illness. But there does not need to be conflict here. The fourth step in AA has us make an inventory of our character flaws. Really, this list does not have to do with my mental health symptoms. It has more to do with how I choose to cope. If I drink instead of doing spiritual work, I fall into behavior that I ultimately can improve on and change. Coping mechanisms are not the same as psychotic or manic symptoms. But you may see how I could have trouble separating the two, as both seem intrinsically flawed.

The fact remains, now that I am medicated and stable, that I can continue to work on my self. Bettering myself might look like not pushing myself too hard while improving at self care. It might look like learning to have better control of, or resistance to, anger outbursts. It might look like actively practicing humility and gratitude. It might look like pushing myself to work out at the gym and fight through side effects. It might look like having discipline when it comes to eating. Twelve step work pads the walls as I walk down the halls of learning about self care. Self care pads the walls as I learn to cope with diagnosable mental illness in my life. Gratefully, I have learned how to have a subtle boundary with what defines my alcoholism and what defines my schizoaffective disorder. I can apply my fourth step work to my alcoholic self, and not get confused regarding symptomatic behavior concerning my illness. There tends to be an ending moment to my episodes, marking when I am unwell mentally and when I emerge from an episode. Much of what happens when in psychosis can be forgotten about. Assuredly, when I return to taking one day at a time, and being sober now, I construct a format where I do not get lost in the past. Defining character flaws helps me be a better person, today. Truth is, there are flaws that I cannot change and flaws that I can. When God grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, my schizoaffective disorder is an area in my life where I must apply surrender. Being alcoholic is also a flaw that I must accept. The difference is the behavior I exhibited when I was alcoholic, I can reconstruct and change into better behavior while sober. The behavior that I have when in an episode with mental illness, I must accept for what it is and move on. This is the fine web that separates my mental illness from my alcoholism.

That being said, people care. People care about supporting me through difficult times. I can find these people as I lean into my program, and develop relationships in spiritual circles and within family. The world though… I can find comfort in harsh reality and in sterile walls of society where nobody cares. There is an anonymity and a protection that I have from the abstract nature of the world at large. When it comes to reputation, we must consider the questions, “Is this my ego?”, “How can I practice humility today, so that I do not concern myself with what people think of me?”, and “If I practice gratitude right now, perhaps I can return to the spiritual truth that God loves me as I am.” The statement “nobody cares” in this context, is supposed to remind me that essentially my actions, mistakes, and choices are inconsequential in a bigger picture where I must accept my smallness in the universe. The statement “everybody cares” is supposed to remind me that God is loving, and that when I need to, I can find support and understanding. I encourage you to say the seventy prayer, below. In this prayer, the things that we can change exist in the realm of our personal lives while in a loving world where we matter, and the things we cannot change fall closer to existing beyond, in a world where “nobody cares”. Separating the two can be as fine as the web that separates my mental illness and my alcoholism. It is possible when we try, to find wisdom and to create a boundary between the two; to ultimately tell the difference.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”