The Healing Power of Despair
“Despair is a necessary and seasonal state of repair, a temporary healing absence, an internal physiological and psychological winter when our previous forms of participation in the world take a rest; it is a loss of horizon, it is the place we go to when we do not want to be found in the same way anymore…. Despair is the sweet but illusory abstraction of leaving the body while still inhabiting it, so we can stop the body from feeling anymore.”
From “Despair” in David Whyte: Essentials
The other day I found myself down at the old willow tree, a place where I sit outside in contemplation and meditation, and a great sadness came over me. I have visited great sadness before. This time was the same and also different. I am familiar with grief, and at times when I have felt great grief, I have felt there was no bottom. I felt that I could go on feeling that way forever. This quote starts with describing despair as seasonal as well as a necessary state of repair. Now that I am older and have acquired many skills in the realm of healing; I was able to sit with my sadness and not let it overtake me. I did not attach fear to my state of grief.
Still, I felt there was a sense of trauma to my sadness. I felt as though I was drowning and could not swim. But with a small ten minute meditation, I was able to bring awareness to this feeling, and detach from the great emotions that were inside of me. There was a temptation to be afraid, but I overcame it. I found myself riding the wave, the metaphor that I chose for the feeling of traumatic despair, and a small light came on in the center of my being. I was also able to step back. Instead of turning off the fountain of sadness as I have done before, I simply detached in a much gentler way.
Not only is despair seasonal, meaning that the time will pass when I am overcome by grief and sadness, but also despair is helping us repair something broken. I felt this. I felt that there was trauma attached to my despair. Patience and compassion were tools that I used to love myself. It is easy to feel out of control when crying in deep despair, and it is easy to let the flood of feelings drown oneself in this state. But, gently letting the feelings arise, and having courage in the face of this great sadness, the tears became manageable, and the flood something to float upon instead of drown in.
I am lucky. I live my life for recovery. I do not have a job. I do not have children. I can take a day off whenever I like. The work that I have been doing to heal has brought me to a place where I can visit my inner despair and heal some broken pieces. It is all very natural. In my maturity, I have found that the fear around emotions has subsided. I have trauma simply from feeling and exhibiting out of control emotions for most of my life, due to my schizoaffective disorder- bipolar type. I take both mood stabilizers and antipsychotics in order to help a chronic out of control state of being. But there is still trauma and sadness in my person, in my body both physiologically and psychologically, that must be tended to if I am to go on. I have sexual trauma, trauma from hospitalizations and episodes, and I must take good care of myself.
A warning for humans in general, is though you may have worked through trauma and grief in therapy, and believe that you have moved and healed beyond your great despair over your held bodily and psychological trauma, there may be more work, or rather rest, to be had. In rest and meditation, tend to your despair. The sea is great, and one may find themselves saying that they never want to return to this place. But the waves still ride on the horizon of despair. If you have the wherewithal to visit your despair, remember that it is seasonal. Remember that it is productive no matter how debilitating. It is a place we must go if we are to turn the lights on to our joy and serenity. And collectively we may need to live the seasonal winter of despair for some time, as there is much grief to be felt. Also, do not get lost there. Know that through breath and awareness there is always a way out. You will be okay, and this season too will pass.