I have had the best experience lately while attending support meetings in my program. January has been a difficult month. Steve’s health issues came back the end of December, and he was struggling greatly with breathing. December eighteenth he had his first immunotherapy session, and it did not go well. After the treatment his issues with breathing were intense. We were able to get some oxygen from a friend, and after visiting the emergency for six hours on January third, we were prescribed some medication that helped greatly though only for a few days. Then we saw the Oncologist on the fifteenth of January, when we were supposed to continue with immunotherapy, and thankfully the doctor put a hold on the treatments, and prescribed more medication. Steve is doing well now, but it was an awful scare, and a difficult few weeks. Breathing issues are no joke. I was able to share these struggles in a meeting, and I found myself feeling much better. I was struggling with low mood, and was blaming the season. My parents being in India, I had to deal with Steve’s issues mostly solo. It is important for me to be able to deal with life independently, and I don’t take my parents support for granted. Actually, I am proud of myself for dealing with everything. I am grateful for my meetings to have a place to unpack difficult feelings and to find support.

Back in October and November we trucked through cancer treatment, having 24 radiation treatments and six chemotherapy treatments over a matter of six weeks. It was a difficult time, though Steve handled those treatments very well. We woke up at four am to catch a boat and drive to Sedrow Woolley five days a week to make it to his 8:20 am radiation appointment. We got through it, and most of November and part of December, we had a break. We did not expect Steve to react to immunotherapy this way, as he weathered the chemotherapy extremely well.

I did not accept very much charity during this time, though I did finally allow my sister to come clean my house, my mother did dishes a couple of days, and a good friend brought us a nice meal. I realized that saying yes to offers of charity makes those that offer very happy. It was nice to have the help as well, though I never asked for it. This winter has been a battle, and now that we are at the end of January, and have another temporary reprieve with Steve’s health, I am at that pause where I am able to assess and process. I got out for walks in the freezing weather and the snow, and it was a great joy to watch the dog run free in the snow as well as therapeutic for myself to get outside and be a part of nature. Actually, since we got the new dog December sixth, I have been getting out every day to walk him. Now it is warm and balmy, and the air smells good. It is a combination of people’s wood burning stoves, and a sweetness from the warm temperatures. Still, I found myself feeling low, heavy emotions. I found myself getting quiet in meetings. I found myself tempted to drink alcohol. I realized I must open up in a meeting and I did and shed some tears. It was a great release. The blue feelings did not go away all together, but I have plugged away at continuing to attend meetings, and I slowly have felt my mood lifting. Last night after my 7pm meeting, I felt actual joy come through me. There is a power to being in these meetings regularly. That is why they tell us to keep coming back, or to not quit before the miracle happens. It may be subtle, but I feel that miracle happening within me now.

To have a handle on my emotions and my mental state is a huge accomplishment for me. I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and usually what ends up happening when life gets hard, is that I feel a gamut of symptoms, that don’t actually equate as emotions. At that point, it is anxiety, depression, mania and psychosis. It is not something that I can work through with cognitive therapy. At this point it is time for medication, and I am a willing patient. The fact that I have been able to deal with all of the heaviness, grief, sadness and stress around dealing with Steve’s cancer, breathing issues, neurological issues, and spinal chord issues, is a miracle. I am sober now, as is Steve, and together we have built a very happy and supportive home. My meetings have given me the support I need every single day to handle being me. Now I can say that I do not need more medication, what I need is to attend a meeting. It keeps me sane and grounded. It is a beautiful thing.

Seasonally, many of us are challenged during the winter months. It has been important for me to keep my head in the game with all that we have experienced this season. In my heart is a lot of gratitude. I am grateful for my program, my family, my partnership, my health, my dog and cat, and friends. It is possible to hold on through the seasons, through every high and every low. Sometimes it is a push and a struggle, but there is always a reprieve if I am patient. I plug away day after day, and attend and chair my meetings, knowing that I am a miracle for being sober and for my mental illness being in remission. Again, a lot of gratitude for my general sanity and emotional wellness. I have a lot to give now that I can see my feet below me. This is an awesome feeling.