The Humility of Recovery

When in life do I try harder, or stop trying? I suppose we never want to stop trying. I am asking this question because I am potentially embarking on an endeavor that could be really challenging. Right now, I am trying to decide if this is actually what I want to do. The potential plan is to become a lifeguard for the upcoming Lopez Swim Center that will be opening a year from now. Originally, I was introduced to this idea last Fall, when I first attempted to quit smoking. I thought, “I can never be a lifeguard if I am a smoker.” It took me a year, but I did it. I quit smoking, and today I am free and clear of tobacco and nicotine for thirty days. Hurdle one, accomplished. I cannot deny that the prospect of becoming lifeguard added motivation to my quitting.

That is just the beginning. I went to a Lifeguard information session last evening before the debate. There were just a handful of us there, but I learned some things. For example, there is a physical test that you take to be admitted to the Lifeguard training. I am about 75 percent confident that I can pass this physical exam, but I would want to up my working out and exercise and swimming program to be fully ready. So there is that. Then, I have to spend three long and vigorous days, potentially at the FIdalgo pool in Anacortes, over a weekend taking the certification course. There is no guarantee that I will pass the course either, so there is that. All of this has me excited. I want this on some level. I love swimming with a passion, and I want to be apart of the youth of this island learning to swim, as well as to be involved with the Lopez Swim Center that is being built. I look forward to spending time with children in a learning and physically active environment.

This still is all just potential. Let’s say I pass the certification and become a Lifeguard, there is still one final hurdle. I must agree to a part time position lifeguarding at the pool, as long as they will have me. At this point I become an actual lifeguard, the end all goal of the previous efforts. Still, I am not completely sure I want this. After almost four years of recovery and stability from my most recent episode, I feel ready to have a job. But, all I have been doing these last four years, attending meetings, getting sober, quitting smoking, and hunkering down with my simple life, has served me really well. I write about once a week on this blog and I reflect with you all about my recovery and my mental illness. This is an amazingly helpful and healing practice. I also spend time with my dog who is a rescue, my partner who is physically disabled and has cancer, and my own personal basic health goals. I am still working on things like reading more, adding yoga and meditation to my daily routines, honing in on cleaning and cooking skills, and being available for my niece and nephew so as to have a presence in their lives. Part of me says, this is enough. If it is not broken, don’t fix it.

There are other things that I can look forward to beyond becoming a lifeguard, which as I spelled out above, is a very physically and mentally challenging thing to accomplish for me. My psychiatrist is retiring, so I may need to look for one in Mt. Vernon or Bellingham, and this could mean more travel and off-island days. I could return to seeing my therapist in person rather than on the phone. She also resides in Anacortes, a boat ride away. Being in the physical presence of my therapist can have added perks for sure, and we have been meeting on the phone since the pandemic. I can take on some service in my recovery program, and run a meeting a week as well as serve as a substitute for when someone is unavailable. I can always give more time and effort to my worship group. I can also get to things like organizing my shed, sorting through my closets, and cleaning my house more thoroughly. There is plenty to achieve without having the large goal of getting certified for a new job.

I am disabled. It has taken me years to accept this and work with this. Giving up on things like working and volunteering, which I very much did to prove that I could function out in the world and to contribute financially, I have been able to slow down and heal from addictive behavior. I have also been able to become stable, and keep my mental illness in remission. Recently I cut one of my more substantial medications in half. I adore the idea of becoming a lifeguard, and being a part of the community in this way, and perhaps I can just put the idea on hold for right now if it doesn’t feel right. Steve and I are just getting finished with an incredibly rigorous year of fighting cancer. Overcoming addiction is still very recent in our lives as well. There will always be a need for certified lifeguards, I imagine. I can let this amazing commitment and life change season for a little while longer. I am not giving up on a dream, I am simply giving up trying so hard. Recovery is a full-time job, and in humility I accept this about my life. Steve, Jay and I all have special needs, and we desperately need to be there for and take care of each other. It is so good to dream, and having the dream of becoming a lifeguard has already led to positive change in my life. In humility, I accept this life of recovery that I live. Right now, this feels like enough.