Serpentine [the stone] - Affirmation: I commit myself to manifesting the Divine potential that resides in the cells of my physical body and the vibrational pattern of my energy body, and I offer my service to the healing and evolution of the Earth.

I just want to be institutionalized. Of Course, what I don’t need is the scum bottom of the streets of Boston, MA; and I don’t need some pansy version of a home that is more of an overpriced spa in Los Angeles, CA… figuratively speaking of course.

This is how I felt a couple of days ago. Now, I am emerging, or rather landing my feet with rocket boots, at the bottom of the cliff I have been falling from. I am bored. I want to start working on my second book, to put it out in the published world, but Steve says I am not ready. Still, I have run out of things to do. I have sorted my socks, my clothes, Steve’s clothes, the coats and dress clothes, the cherry cedar chest, the jars, and paperwork. I have painted and hung signs on my property; a speed limit sign, a guest parking sign, and a large roadside sign that says, “Earthworm Farm”. I have decorated my hallway with old National Geographic maps, and my walls with my friends’ artwork. I have made up the guest room, and rebuilt the fire pit in my yard.

At least, I have stopped dropping gifts off around town. I stopped that a while ago. I stopped lying about walking out at night to visit the horses at the Pony Corral. I have stopped giving away my stuff to celebrities, and mailing gift boxes to politicians. I have stopped obsessing about all of the pretty rocks and pebbles that I have collected over the years being stones from ancient alien humanoids that colonized Earth trillions of years ago. I mostly have stopped lecturing and swearing to the trees out on my porch, while talking to God, dead people, or whomever I imagined was listening, but was not really there.

And I have quit drinking again, even though I only drank a few beers. Boundaries have been dug in salt, my past will not bite my heels. I am hoping that the dreams that I have been dreaming, for three years, are finally settling. I also am convinced, for the most part, that I am not really dead, and “living” as a ghost in an alternate realm, thus am going to disappear any day now, just like Starbuck at the end of Battle Star Galactica, the modern [version] T.V. series. I really didn’t waste that much money. Most everything I bought was needed or just plain cool.

Still, the discernment that emerged from depressed existentialism has not faded. I know I have issues, I cannot placate them away with Christianity, AA, or pretending to be Strait. I cannot deny my damaged sexual being that lay unconscious through three different rape situations. I cannot deny the extremely sharp physical spasms in my vagina, nor the need to understand these sensation. I cannot deny that what I thought was a disease triggered by stress and genetics, may be trauma. I am schizoaffective, I do not deny this, and I accept any help that I can get, psychologically and pharmetically. Still, why, which was never a question before, is emerging from this numbing fall that I have been enduring. Numbing > maybe not. I have not been present, nor have I been “numb” these last two months. Neither then or now, because the problems and issues remain. If I cannot make sense of them, and give them voice, I may never overcome psychosis, or embrace transsexuality.

Was any of it real? This remains the 27 trillion dollar question…. I want to wake up and to forget, all over again. But if I do this, I must act differently. I must construct a new life, while incorporating what I have learned. 

“Nick”, I hope to be in touch soon. When my support says it is time, I will listen. I have to listen to my support, my actual support. I have been doing “this” long enough to know how... and boundaries; closed doors are behind me, and fresh new doorways, await. I pray that I leave this tunnel of a nightmare soon. I can see the light. But how do I make this about remembering, awakening; not forgetting? About not sleeping and slipping back into unconsciousness? I have to trust in “new life”. I will pray to God to show me this truth.