Where do the Children Play?
Pixabay
It has been months since I pleased myself. I have been in an episode, and my husband and I don’t have intercourse because of his disability. But it is more than that. My vagina started hurting years ago. It became unbearable approximately six years ago. I had become dependent on alcohol to experience sex. Then four years ago, Steve had surgery and lost nerve sensation from the waste down. He still works, his legs, his throat, but other than a handful of moments, we have both been generally celibate for almost exactly 5 years. One year before his surgery, we stopped.
At first it was unbearable for me. I needed sex so bad. It was harder than giving up drinking, and practicing sobriety. I managed to focus on the Lord and pray my way into celibacy (I did have one oral mishap). Then, I started a meditative journey and unofficially took the name of Moon. My handle on instagram is @moonflickerstone. This is the full spiritual quest, journey guide, and meditation. It came to me through deep pondering, and I did not choose it, it chose me. I am not Native, but I believe this is the essence of a spirit name. Power animals are a different thing. (?)
As I pursued my journey as Moon, I dove deeply into the Tarot, and a rich journaling experience that lasted several years. Pages upon pages of hand-written writing, and hours spent reading and practicing the Thoth Tarot. I recently accepted Waite’s philosophies into my language, but only through a book titled “The Pictorial Key to the Tarot” written by Waite himself, that does not contain pictures or images; just verbal interpretations.
I also study Ellen Cannon Reed’s book “The Witches Tarot”. She contradicts many of Waite and Crowley/Harris definition, but I deeply trust this book for guidance and inspiration. Ellen takes Tarot knowledge and study to an elevated realm. After my first years dedicated to Tree of Life - Cabalist Tarot, I purchased “The Wheel of Change Tarot”, a deck and book by Alexandra Genetti, a * ’modern pagan themed and culturally global’ Tarot deck. This deck has been very useful, not only because the art is beautiful and attractive, but because my women’s circle identifies with [this] deck, and we engage as a group newly experiencing the Tarot, so everyone is thus inspired.
Journaling, Tarot, and the many hours spent in the woods, with my root on the earth while staring into the brambles on this property, led me to connecting to the Lord Jesus in deeper capacity. Giving up sex still requires me to do much needed homework regarding my sexual identity. Passing as a strait couple, married for 20 years, I never needed an all encompassing embrace of Gay Community. I gave up crowds long ago, and never really attended Pride events. Still, I am Bi-sexual. My forgetting and acting as strait confused me to no end, because I did not realize I was repeatedly falling in love with my girlfriends. My Bi-sexuality, of which I have always been “aware”, came up and through my subconscious; as my love for women is great.
Is polyamory a bi-sexual thing? It is not. And so, have dealt with infidelity. Christ, I want monogamy more than anything in my life. I want to let my husband catch his breath and be confident that I am committed. It has been 23 years, now. Still, today I am finally accepting that I do not believe in marriage, and never have. This saddens my partner. Forcing the round peg of marriage into the square hole of my heart in 2018, I was triggered into a major episode.
I have had several major episodes over the last four years. The facts: I moved in with my mother. I had a psychotic break - different than a major episode - in 2016. Steve became disabled and went through surgery. I reaccepted my bi-sexuality, when I was crushed by my anchor leaving, my Catholic queer woman friend, that left for the Peace Core for 2 years. (Platonic, of course… I believe in platonic love). I put out "Glass Slippers: A Journey of Mental Illness”, and read it every day for three years, in order to heal my schizoaffective trauma while listening to my own words of wisdom. I addressed the pain in my vagina. I found an author/schizoaffective peer in Boston, MA through Instagram. He disappeared also. Though it did not hurt quite as bad because our online affair was short. I found a Tarot meeting. I became close with a meta-gender and a transitioning trans queer, and I revisited my own transsexuality, which I abandoned in 2008. I got drunk and made out with a Lesbian named Kelly.
“Normally”, I am stable. I was from 2008 to 2016. Now, in peri-menopause, I created a tea infusion with the help of a friend, for my reproductive system, that helped push back the peri-menopause with herbal medicine (cleared by my psychiatrist). Also, I have not slept well for years, and I refuse sleep apnea as an intelligent solution. I am sleeping good, finally, as I emerge into 2021, on new meds (Olansapine). I have been through multiple medication adjustments since 2016; these can take up to a year or even longer to master.
I’ve had major episodes in 2018, 2019, and just now, Christmas 2020 to Spring 2021. I found myself, when grief threw at me Existential Depression. I remembered who I was before I was Schizoaffective. Gifted and depressed; pensive and always seeking solitude. [“One Hundred Years of Solitude” by García Márquez was my favourite book.] Peace and danger, reality awakened, came flooding in on the wings of my Angel friends (Ari, Tobin, Colette and Kevin). Crystal Balls, I call them. They are that bright. Now in Heaven, they were actual human sacrifices (in their 30’s and 40’s), and they are here now to do God’s Will; Kevin died Christmas Eve 2020 - he another platonic lover. An anchor. And I lost him.
The raw truth is his Gift. I pray him and Ari keep following me and guiding me. Tobin, and Colette, you too. But once again, I find myself coming back to Earth. I cannot deny that I have a permanent tether to Heaven, now. It works if you believe. You have to believe in Heaven.
So, I am trauma. Moon will find her way. Pray to the Moon for me, tonight. When she/he glows in the sky, tell yourself that you love yourself. Reflect back to her/him the soft light of your tremor and sadness. And if you can, throw in a prayer for me, Sister [Emily] Moon. I can sense her return on the horizon.
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*[modern pagan themed and culturally global] referring to “The Wheel of Change Tarot” is a direct personal quote from Emily L. Metcalf