It is black outside. The last couple evenings there have been the most perfect low scooping waxing crescent moon the evening sky. Almost a week later, the foot and a half of snow is finally melting, but some still lingers in chunks strewn across the landscape. My past IPhone 6s, is charged and the alarm goes off at 5am; still, I went to bed around 6pm. 

I finally started a new medication yesterday. Not sure how or when its effects will start to affect me. I am trying to not overdue coffee in the morning. Beer and alcohol still taste disgusting. In some ways, I wish could drink, but I am so grateful that I can’t. This last year and half, AA has not only saved my soul, It has aided on a healing journey that is irreplaceable.

A couple of years ago, I was visiting my second cousins, their mother, and my Great Aunt Florence who is a 90 plus miracle, their grandmother. Lilly is Schizoaffective, I am pretty sure, like me, [you know, Lilly, your name was my favorite name for a doll or child during play when I was a young girl], and Chrisane was there with her baby. Ron and I were passing through, after our President’s Day lobby day at the Capitol. 

There was a lot going on - I am not really sure my Father knew or understood exactly. I knew he wanted to help, and he did. Still, he lacked the ability to directly and effectively problem solve in the here and now, it seems like. I remember humorously thinking that my 94 year-old Great Aunt was more “with it”, but Florence is and has always been sharp as a tack.

I realized, though Roseane and Andrew were absent that cold President’s Day weekend, that these second cousins are very important to me. Both women present intelligent, and very resourceful. Laura is my Dad’s cousin, her father my Great Uncle George Metcalf. Steve and I attended George’s funeral not long after we were committed; in Bellevue, WA. I remember that day pretty well.

My Dad, he has always known on some level that he has a responsibility to these now grown-up children, but he is old now, and I feel and see things differently than he does.

What are the questions you were asking Chrisane? I was with you. I am deathly afraid that this all has something to do with me, Roseane. I am afraid that I went missing when I was six years old in 1985, and something awful and terrible happened to me. I am now questioning, in a new way, the scientific mental health theory that a triggered gene is responsible for my Schizoaffective Disorder/ Bipolar-type. Because, Chrisane, abuse is flowing out of my memory like hogs breaking free, and both me and Elizabeth are seeing red. [We have always had psychic connection amongst the women in our family].

Florence, I believe that I may have been in the care of Grandpa Wallace and Grandma Metcalf; and Laura, [and maybe you kids], took us all off their hands, and then may have lost me at the park. My Grandma and Grandpa, specifically MayLou, would not be prone to admitting a mistake. Or perhaps, Laura hid something from her Uncle Wallace for fear of disapproval. I was a disturbed little girl before this [happened] to me, so Ron and Sheila, busy and rich as they were, may have just not noticed my new trauma. Plus, by the age of six, I had learned to hold myself together pretty well. Be together.

I liked to hide. I think I went and hid at the park, probably Big Howe on Queen Anne Hill, a park that I was very familiar with. If you were there, you may not have known where to look for me.… I think Laura lost me that day, and something terrible happened. Then, I may have reappeared, all buttoned up, and everybody just admitted relief while forgetting all about it. Ron and Sheila were on a long trip, probably overseas.

Chrisane, I think this is the reason DSHS came after you kids. Maybe Laura disengaged at this moment. Still, I think that this circumstance, where I may have been kidnapped and abused while in her care [technically], was the cat that started the ball of yarn rolling. And I knew ever since I was a little girl, that I wanted to provide more for you all. I felt weird and terrible at the contrast of my plush lifestyle, and all that you seemed to live without.

So, as Phish plays in my earbuds, my mouth is particularly dry from this new medication that I started last night, Olansapine (5mg). I take at least four other meds that cause dry mouth. After my coffee settles in, I will take my daily pint of prune juice so that I can have my daily poop, then my morning medication. I call it my reverse enima. I think actually it is really good for my system. Just beware, blood sugar people, it is very rich in fructose, and there is a lot packed into that pint.

This morning, I pray for you women, my cousins, and your brother: Roseane, Lilly, Chrisane, and Andrew. I want to know you. I want you to be a part of my life. I am feeling old, but I know it is not too late. It is never too late, right, Lilly?

Dear Laura, I hope this does not upset you too much. I pray for you, and thanks for always holding the candle of Christ for all of us.

XOXOXO Florence, I love you.

BIG HOWE PARK — Queen Anne Hill, Seattle, WA