The air outside is ominously autumn. We are in the final days of August, and there is a haze in the air that speaks of fall. It is cooler, and the light is coming in at an angle with a yellowish hue. Students elementary and collegiate are returning to school, and we have entered the final days of tourism on our small island getaway. My life in contrast to the final buzz of summer is very calm. I have a new routine of attending the gym every morning and then a couple evening AA meetings. I don’t do much during the day; I usually go the store for our daily meal plan, and I may do a chore here and there. I have eased up on expectation. I am enjoying the nourishment that restoration brings. I am practicing acceptance on a new level.

Recently, I gained some weight. I also started smoking more. About two weeks ago, I decided that I must bring attention to these areas in my life. I must accept that these two areas of my life have become out of control. I cut out soda and have been monitoring my smoking with achievable goals. I found that I was able to cut back significantly, and am now smoking less than I was before my recent minor episode when I started smoking more. First, I had to face what seemed and felt so beyond my control. I try so hard to manage my weight. I could eat less and better, but mostly I eat good, well rounded, home cooked meals. I also exercise regularly. How is it possible that this extra weight came about? The truth is that I am on medications that cause weight gain. Even before I went up ten milligrams during a recent minor episode, I was up ten pounds. Now, just the other day I was up seventeen from a number on a scale that I consider my top. I was devastated. I am cringing at the fact that I am going to have to break this news to my psychiatrist tomorrow. I guess I need to try harder. Before I do this, as I did with the smoking, I have to look rawly into the lens of reality. I must see and accept myself right where I am at. My clothes still fit, and I am thinking some of the weight may be increased muscle mass from working out. Still, it is devastating news that I must try and wrap my head around.

Life is not always about the exterior. Worshiping the idol of appearances, I end up also feeding my addictions that lurk in the shadows. I have an eating disorder and I am alcoholic. This is all in addition to living with Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. What results is a delicate and very complex equation for life. Sometimes the only way through major hurdles such as weight gain and smoking more, is by using my intuition. Both of these hurdles are held in the cradle of living with a very serious mental illness. It is not always an easy equation to master. As I turn inward, I begin to become less attached to how I look. I begin to nurture hurt and weary parts of my being and soul. I must turn inward and live from the inside out, if I am able to make any progress with these addictions. My eating disorder is a psychological addiction where I can fall victim to an obsessive mind. As a recovered alcoholic, I live with a similar obsessive compulsive quality. The truth remains, that we must give our life over to god, while relinquishing control, if we are interested in overcoming addiction in our lives. Society urges us to use willpower and control, but that is not the answer. The answer is looking inwards and nurturing my identity, my sense of self, my relationship with god, and learning to accept things exactly as they are in this moment. I then can move forward in God’s grace hour by hour.

Time is real. The truth of the matter is that I know not how much time I have left on this planet, and my life is just a blink. Accepting this truth, I am able to make the best of what I have, and to work with the tools that lay at my doorstep. I will put one foot in front of another, all the while learning to look inward and learning to love my self exactly where I am at.