Outside the Black and White

A beautiful Sunday at Quaker gathering, I was able to sit in silence and reset my clock. Sundays usually go really well for me after sitting for an hour and ten minutes in silence. Meeting is an hour, but I tend to show up ten minutes early. I need this today. My body needs the rest after an hour and a half workout yesterday, and three busy days visiting with friends and a trip off-island. I have some big things in my life to process and sit with, and silence, prayer, and meditation are my aides in finding the stillness and contemplation necessary to be at peace in my body and soul. My partner is ill, and we still have yet to find the source of his troubles. Change in diet is helping his breathing. The swelling has gone down considerably in his feet and ankles, but he is still using his walker and has a hard time standing without holding onto something. I have been meeting added responsibility well. I have been cooking and cleaning the kitchen, which is new for me, as the last twenty-four years my partner did these things almost exclusively. Off-island trips are a challenge as I get his walker from the trunk and am responsible for the dog. I need silence and meditation to tune into myself and process all that is swirling around me.

Today is Father’s day, and I am grateful to have some time with my dad today; going to the dump for myself and my mother this afternoon. My dad is very supportive and often very cheery and in a good mood. He is always there to help. He has rescued us in financial emergencies, as well as help fund the publishing of my book back in 2017. He is also my friend. He comes by regularly to talk with Steve, and has checked on me during mental health scares. My first psychotic break back in 1998, he flew down to Riverside California to get me out of a lock down psych ward after an incredibly scary psychotic break while I was attending Mills college. He has always been there, and is one of my biggest fans when it comes to writing. My best friend, but also my dad. I am so grateful for him. He turned eighty this spring, is in very good health, and I am so grateful for that.

Fathers day is very binary, and can also be a day of grief and sadness for some. My partner Steve did not have a father, as his father Stephen, his namesake, died just before he was born. Some have longed to become fathers, but have not found partnership to create a family. Some have estranged relationships with their fathers. Some families have no father, as they left or the model is two mothers. Because of these situations, grief can be a part of a relationship with a father or lack there of. Fathers, those who have families and children, deserve to celebrate today and be honored for all that they are. In our society, it is important to think outside the box. Being a part of the Queer community as a nonbinary/ trans individual, where I feel at home for the first time in my forty-three years on this planet, I am increasingly aware of the fact that the traditional models of family, partnership, and parenting are just a fraction of the realities within our society. Whether it is honoring yourself as a father as a trans man, or facing the hole in your life where there is no father, we can still come together as a collective family on this day. We can re-shape the hallmark holiday, and reclaim the word father from a cramped black and white view.

I am learning stillness and the power of contemplation in my life. I can be “do do do”, and I tend to find value in myself based on the physical realities of a clean house or well managed yard. In my recovery program, the first step has us admit powerlessness, and to give up control. I can control things like how much I exercise or how much I eat, but when I do that I lose touch with the intuitive aspects of diet and exercise that are crucial to a happy life. When I am tired, I can pray and meditate. I must let my body recover, but I also must allow time and space to contemplate the bigger realities of my life. Giving over control, admitting powerlessness, having faith, and becoming intuitive, I then look outside of the realms of numbers, time and check lists. Life is not black and white, and I myself have found healing in my non-binary identity, that yearned for me to reach far outside the box in order to tune into my body, my true self, and to forge a healthy identity and secure attachment with my self. I am finally listening to my body and also my spirit.