Basking in Stillness and Sunshine

Breathe in the sunshine, slowly, allowing the gentleness of the day into your lungs. Breathe out upon the green grasses, melding with the landscape, settling your nerves. Basking in the sunshine, I am held. I am held by the constant ready song of the birds in the background, which flows around my figure sitting in the 30 year old wooden chair by the pond. I comprehend rest.

Days full of sunshine have been few and far between, but today the sun bakes down with enough vigor that it feels truly warm in her rays. So much has been swirling about me and my consciousness this last month. My husband has some serious health issues that have effected his mobility and able bodied-ness. I have become his limbs and his extra effort, as I do the dishes, make meals, tend to him when necessary, and take care of most everything around the house; shopping, walking the dog, mowing the lawn, laundry, etc. In a strange way, it has become very enjoyable. I feel increasingly useful and appreciated. A couple of days ago, I attended a support meeting for caregivers, and was reminded that there are countless others in my position, or ones close to it.

But the stillness. I have been physically ill for over a week, nine days and counting. I have had productive days, nonetheless, but today I slept in until almost eleven, and I feel at one with rest. This rest is flowing about me in soothing waves of comfort, accented by the warm rays of the sun outside. I know I am okay, and I know I deserve to be quiet with myself. “Deserve” isn’t quite the right word, because it implies some sense of guilt.

There is a bigger picture at play now. There are more important things than checking off my list, or impressing my imaginary friends with how clean I can keep my house. Steve is facing a major health crises. For me to maintain perfect mental health, so that I can continue to care for us both, I must have an occasional day where I sit still… where I become one with the quiet that is all around me, and where I smell the sunshine or drink in the pouring rain. Yesterday it rained outside, as though we were in the middle of a rainforest, and today the sun is drying and warming everything in its soft embrace. It is proof that whatever the weather, I can become closer to nature, and thus my inner workings, by tuning into and accepting what is. Stillness allows me to unravel the tension in my soul. Rest allows me to find the peace within this very moment, today.

My dog nestles at my side in the shade of the chair, and I reach down and caress his soft head. He is always there, or always wanting to be there, at my side. I have a limited time with my sweet pup, as he is now eleven, though it barely shows. I pray that there are many years ahead of us, for Steve and I. It is scary to see him struggle with standing and walking, and I love him so dearly. Slowing down like I am doing today, allows me to reach further into the moment, to have increased patience for everything in my life, and to embrace compassion and love as I feel the nature that is all around me soothe my spirit and caress my soul.