Born New

The buds on the willow trees are showing their faces, and the plum has almost completely finished blooming, and is covered with deep maroon leaves. Daffodils have been out for a while, the forsythia has burst forth, and the tulips are up. Whether you celebrate Easter, Ostara, April Fools Day or simply the first weeks of Spring, it is evident that a transformation is taking place all around us; a new birth so to speak. Is it possible that I can also experience new beginnings within myself? Since mid February I have been keeping an eye on my mental health. I even have been attempting a sort of Sabbatical. All in all, I have been doing very well, and am now lowering a medication that I take. It is an antipsychotic, and I have been on a very high dose for a couple of years. With three years of recovery since my last major episode, and two years of complete stability, it seems time. I was experiencing side effects of drowsiness, sluggishness, and general fatigue. It appeared that my body did not need all of the medication that I was putting in it. After two weeks on a lower dose, I am feeling much better.

Humility is something that I have been learning about lately. I am on a journey of recovery both from my addictive tendencies with alcohol, food and nicotine, as well as my mental illness. All my life I have wished that I could do more. My ego took the front seat, and I compared myself to my peers. But now something has changed within me. I can see that living with the disease of schizoaffective disorder bipolar type is not sad, but rather amazing. I am accomplished in my own way. As I learn to live in humility, I can accept my life, and move towards increased self-worth. I can stop feeding myself lines such as, “I could have a family and own a house”, or “I could have a masters degree and a career”. I am not these people and that is okay. I am learning to focus on my life, and to be grateful in every moment for what I myself have been able to achieve. Yesterday was my twenty sixth anniversary with my partner, and we are still very happy and content with each other. Also, I am sober, and I am stable. It is not often that someone with the diagnosis that I have reaches true stability. It has been sixteen years since my third, and last, hospitalization. That could sound sad to someone, that I see this as a badge of honor, but they do not know me. That is a negative thought that I cannot afford.

What do humility and Spring have in common? When we are faced with new beginnings and  the birth of the season, we can take a moment to pause and reflect on where we have been and where we are headed. For me this is humbling. Somehow, as I practice humility, I also become proud of who I am and where I have been. This new beginning is yet another opportunity to shed the layers of the past. For me, this looks like getting rid of negativity and negative thoughts or beliefs that I have about myself and my life. I can explore contentment, gratitude, and humility. In recovery we talk a lot about humility. I am okay. I am good enough. Often when I embrace a humble outlook on life, and become “right sized”, I soon become amazed at all that I am and all I have accomplished in this life. All that I see about myself is a gift. I must shed my ego and negative thinking in order to practice true humility. As I sit in contemplation in the morning at the willow tree, gazing at the sheep and the buds on the tree, listening to the geese and ravens, I can shed all of the past layers and beliefs I have about who I am. I can sit in real humility as I am reborn or born new.