Goodnight Grains

Life has been different this last week or so, as I have been dealing with a resurgence of major intolerance in my gut, and I have had to make significant changes in my eating and lifestyle. Initially I had acute pain in my abdomen after eating various processed wheat and breads. I then, having been through this experience before, about five years ago, made some immediate changes. I first went on a 24 hour juice fast, and then proceeded to completely cut out all grains, potatoes and squashes. It has been a week, and I am still not back to my self. There were some indicators, now that I think about it, that problems were arising. I was craving sandwiches and I had developed general discomfort in my abdomen. My diet has changed significantly these last couple of months, as we are trying to eat up foods that have been donated to us, and while I generally avoid grains, my diet had become very heavy in these foods as of late. So, I cut these foods out immediately, and perhaps it is due to the discomfort, nausea and fatigue that I have been experiencing, but I really have not struggled with this change. Instead it feels like welcome change because I have always known that my issue was in remission, and I have also known that avoiding these foods is the diet that I should be eating. I have tried various carb or grain free diets over the years, and in the past it was always very difficult to give up those comfort foods. I credit my twelve step program for developing the discipline and ability to abstain. I know these foods are bad for me, and my behavior around these foods is also unhealthy. I have emerged from denial, pulled my head out of the sand, and this feels good.

I don’t know how else to put it… these issues, around diet and food, of which I have adjacent behavioral issues of an eating disorder that is in remission, mental illness that may or may not have been caused by a lifetime of abusing this sensitivity, and difficulty feeding myself due to a general anxiety around food, all feel very very big. If I am symptomatic, I may forget to eat, and this is one way that Steve has saved my life over and over through the years. I would show up at his work and he would make sure that I was fed. Then, when I try to get a handle on the situation by eating right and placing necessary limitation on my eating, dieting triggers my eating disorder, and I also will over-achieve at doing the new program perfectly thus setting myself up for certain failure. I mean, we are talking about a lifetime of dealing with issues around food, some behavioral, some biological, and here I am in mid-life, at the doorstep of this issue once again, and I am forced to take action. 

Thankfully, I have resources built up from decades of efforts. Now, as my intolerance taught me five years ago, I am not eating differently in order to lose weight. It is likely that weight loss may result, but I have learned that my intolerance affects my mental health and my physical health immediately, and losing weight does not take front seat with these efforts. Also I have tried this again and again, and I know where the hidden relapses lie, I know what foods work and what foods do not. I have gained wisdom and have increased my ability to listen to my intuition, so I know how to cater to a delicate system that is overwhelmed, nauseous, bloated, and just strait up poisoned. I have many attempts of trial and error, and I know that there are foods available that I can eat. I checked out a handful of Paleo cookbooks from the library and filled out notecards full of ideas that I can flip to when my mind is tired. In general, I just feel very confident, although I am still experiencing physical symptoms.

Alcoholics have a sensitivity to alcohol. A physical sensitivity. This turns into a physical dependance after years of abuse. Our bodies can lie to us, and they seem to tell us we need more of what is making us ill. Very easily, a sensitivity becomes addiction. This is the same for grains and my body. I crave these starchy carbohydrates, and poison builds in my system. I learn to need these foods, and feel as though I cannot live without them. By the time I was 35, enough toxins built up that I became seriously physically ill. More than anything I wish to not relapse. I have experienced a small relapse, and I am acting as thoroughly and quickly as I can. Most likely it will be months before I have cleared the build up of poison from my system. I am in detox. I am in rehab. I know that I can do this. I have remained confident and successful for a whole week now. It is time to wake up. It is time to face denial. It is time for step one, admitting that I am powerless over a very real issue. Accepting this powerlessness and turning to God, lifted a veil and set me up for taking action. Really I feel great. I am facing the truth, I am listening to my self and my body, and I am making the changes that I desperately need to make.