Losing Privilege

“Be willing that self may suffer for truth, and not truth for self.”

-James Parnell, early Quaker

I am learning how to put God before my self. In life I have had ideas that I clung to in the hopes that I may be somebody or accomplish something. The more time I spend on this earth being human, I furthermore realize that life is not that simple. I had a friend in high school, that exposed me to what I felt at the time was the “real” world. She was real, worked for what she had, and together we lived, had experiences and built character. My life consisted of attending predominately white and private institutions, and so much of what I was exposed to in my early years was very sheltered. Because of this, throughout my life I tended to cling to the idea that I, myself, Emily, was deserving of certain things. I also learned to put tremendous pressure on myself of accomplishment, and when life and God had other plans, I resisted, and this caused me pain.

Still, the pain of learning to live with acute mental illness is very real. But aside the struggle that I was experiencing, I had immense blessing. I found a way to survive fiscally, and I had a partner and also animals that loved and protected me. However, I felt that something had been taken from me, because I no longer lived and thrived amongst my peers from this very privileged past. I put pressure on myself to receive a degree despite the fact that every time I was enrolled as a full-time student I was hospitalized for a psychotic break. I then attempted to take less classes. Finally one day, I realized that God was trying to tell me something, and I began to listen. I gave up on school, and tried to turn my life towards emotional, spiritual, mental and physical health and wellness.

I thought of this friend that I had today, because when we became close freshman year in high school, even though we did not attend the same school, I was very attracted to her because she came from unconventional parents, and though I was not allowed to attend public high school as I had wished, this friend who I shared Earth Service Corps with, felt so real. I do believe she grounded me, and also prepared me somewhat for the real world that I was about to enter. She also, inadvertently led me to my husband, Steve.

Embracing my mental illness felt like sacrificing my life for truth. What was true inside of me did not fit the plastic and privileged world that success is very much a slave to. If I had succeeded and been able to pursue my life of privilege, I would have been sacrificing the truth for my self. When we accept our privilege, and we move forward and accept this world that is founded in systemic racism, whether consciously or unconsciously, we willfully sacrifice the truth in order to better ourselves or to achieve what we think is rightfully ours. 

Somehow God had other plans for me. And when I think hard, I feel that I willingly rode along with God’s plans. Living a life of privilege in a systemically racist world never felt good to me. I used to let the thought sometimes come through that I fell from the high ledge I had escalated to, because I had failed in someway. But if I had continued the path of privilege that was carved from a racist society, I would have been putting my self and my life before the truth. God chose the avenue of mental illness to guide me towards living a life of authenticity where I would one day learn to see and fight for the truth. I would learn to put the truth ahead of my self. I learned to open my eyes and take off my blinders. Opening my eyes to my white privilege and understanding that everything I have came from my parents having the upper hand in life while benefitting in a society built from the systemic abuse of colored as well as poor people was crucial to getting out of God’s way. Even though my life may look like an immense struggle or failure because of my illness, I still ended up ahead. There is still more that I can give up. All in all, gratitude for my journey and the struggle that opened my eyes to what it feels like to live with an insurmountable challenge, has taught me that God and truth must come first. They show the way. I must earnestly get out of the way, so that I can see what they yearn to reveal.