Solemnity

The fourth step in AA is a deep quest. It is where we make “a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” But my women’s group, and my women’s guide through the twelve steps, has guided me to intuitively understand this step. First, I composed a list of events in my life, both good and bad. This was important for me to understand, and I believe it is vital in order to make a true moral inventory of myself. I must write down both the good and the bad, and then proceed to thoroughly explore how I had reacted to the list of events. I came up with a general timeline, and then I added major events that evoked emotions that I had left out of the timeline. Beside these added events, I placed either an arrow pointing upward or downward. Sometimes, it was clear that both arrows applied, or that the downward arrow later turned upward. I went on to reflect on each event in regards to how I had reacted to and dealt with it. For instance, in the negative events; what did it teach me, did I lose respect from others, and how did that feel? Did I have my free will taken from me? Did I have my power over my body and mind stripped away? Did I build confidence within certain friendships? Did I gain a sense of self-worth with certain jobs or while developing certain skills? Generally, when I look at my life as a whole in this way, I can see why I developed destructive behaviors. I can see at which moments my heart was broken by life. I can see what it was I lost and when. I can see how I persevered, and I can see how I tried to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I am still working on this step, and have other questions to answer and to reflect upon.

I am not working with a sponsor right now, but I have many friends in my small group that I know will accept a phone call at any time. Over the last couple of days, in this slow and boring time of COVID-19, and lack of stimulation, I was reflecting on all of the very fun times that I had while drinking. Friends came over to party and play croquet in my back yard, I had poker nights where we would mix martinis, I had small fires where we would gather with a group of people and have hors d’oeuvres. We would go to Seattle for a show and drink cocktails. Am I crazy to give up this life? This I know… I am happy and so very grateful to be pursuing a life of sobriety.

I have been following Christ Jesus actively since 2012, but now, on the path of sobriety, I am finding added principle and strength with my faith. People may know that Christianity and pursuing Jesus takes tenacity and strength that is then supplemented by the creator. The more you pray and ask for strength, the more you receive. The rewards are huge. This is why first and foremost in AA, we not only have to admit that we have a problem and bring an awareness to this reality, we must come to the hope and realization that a power greater than ourselves can and will help us, and thirdly we must turn our lives and will over to the care of God (as we understand Him).

I combed over these first three steps in my heart and mind for nine full months, and now have come to a place where I am able to start a fourth step, of which I have discussed above. I would not trade this path for a handful of fun times with friends. To continue on this path, I must accept fully, that living sober is my new calling. Sometimes this also looks like setting aside large goals that feed my sense of self, such as self-publishing my second book, though I know this will come with time. Working the twelve steps, a practical guide to becoming active within a spiritual life, and working through difficulties that arise without the escape of liquor, is now my life-path. Now that I have fought off the allure of alcohol, when I pray to Jesus, I find bigger strength to battle temptations and obscurities that arise in my life. As I dig, and uncover the truth of my life, I am grateful that I can start to build a congruent story and an understanding of my whole self. What the fourth step teaches us, is that without assessing the very difficult and often shameful places, we may never see who we really are. We must learn who we really are, and practice this hard-won transparency, if we are going to continue to live with the reality that follows us everywhere when we are sober. And slowly, and persistently, we heal. We get to know our story, and as we share this story within the program with others, we learn that God has given us the grace to help others that are just like us. This is being seen. This is providing validation; and this feels like love. Being seen by God is love, but when we feel this validation from another human, it becomes all the more real, and provides true hope to continue the pursuit of sobriety.