The Shadow of Gold

Don’t get me wrong, I live in paradise. I live happily with the love of my life in a beautiful home, in a pristine island community surrounded by kind souls and family. All of the gifts have come to my doorstep, and I would be blind to not recognize this. My youth was filled with private education, beautifully celebrated birthdays and holidays, and much travel both within the United States and internationally. Educated in some of the best schools, and warmed on some of the most beatific beaches in the world.

Soon, in my teens, I found that mental illness would forever be a part of my life. Yet, God provided. I met a man that I fell in love with, and that would guide and shelter me throughout learning to live with the lifelong disability of my schizoaffective disorder. And we continued to thrive. Perhaps we were outlaws for a time, avoiding the law, and spending many days in the mountains among her rivers, valleys, and peaks; and celebrating life with the money we gained from marijuana production; eating out, shopping, and traveling around Washington viewing her shores, mountains, and forests with general regularity, as you cannot invest illegal money if you wish to not attract attention to yourself. My animals, friends, and lover held me up, and I learned that there was strength and wisdom that would come to me from learning to live with my trials. I painted quite a large collection of visual art, wrote poetry out of necessity, and eventually wrote my first memoir at 23.

There was anger that also came from my struggles, and though I was surrounded by blessing, I did not always see this. I anguished, and I painted and wrote of this anguish. I worked here and there, but never was able to sustain a job for extended periods. A great episode brought me home to this island community when I was 28 years old, and we relocated to what would be our home for the next twelve years and running; the longest we have lived anywhere in Washington State. I began to search spiritually, and soon found that I was not alone. In 2016, at age 37, I learned that physical disability had found its way to my husband’s doorstep, and would never leave. I now had a partner on the soul crippling road of disability, and was permanently not alone. We now live on disability income very humbly, and are permanently retired. In this retirement, we are incredibly blessed with all that we need.

Lying in bed the other night, Steve expressed in great detail exactly how his life had changed forever. I appreciated his sharing in this extensive way, because I am often very self-absorbed and engulfed on the life path of my own disability, and sometimes it is hard to see beyond my very own struggles. He told me how the hardware, 14 screws and 2 rods in his neck, make breathing and swallowing a completely different, as well as difficult, experience. He told me how he still could not feel much below his hips, and how simple acts such as coughing and relieving oneself have become chores that are challenging, and forever changed. I cried then, falling to sleep, and was struck with the rich and damp truth; the depth of struggle that he deals with. Added to my own experience of constant meds, side effects, doctors visits, lab tests, symptoms, and health complications from medications, as well as my crippled ability to follow my dreams in the way that I believe one should be able to, though that truly is a false belief, I felt very weighted by the truth of our life journey at this point in time. Why had this befallen us?

When I awoke in the morning, I returned to the peace of mind that Steve and I are blessed with. The world is full of pain and hardship, but those that learn to thrive and build a life full of acceptance and resilience because of these hardships, also have the added gift of finding the small nubs of truth and treasure that God places in our paths. For me to live under the illusion that life should exist without this suffering is naive and assuming. How many individuals live in war-torn countries, slums, or refugee camps? The majority of the planet is being swallowed by the climate change realities that us privileged white consumers only have the ability to evade because we squander an unbalanced percentage of the riches here on Earth. So, I must rest in gratitude, and become continually humbled. Distance has allowed me to see the blessing of my life as a whole, and I wish that awareness and gratitude to spread to these current times. I hope only to sit in grace, and see what it is that I have, and how I have been spared. Time only reveals in its long shadow, the shine of gold of all that I have been given in this life.