“To realize the unity underlying all life and live in harmony with this awareness, we do not have to quit our jobs, leave our family, drop out of school, or turn our back on society. Living in the midst of our extended circle of family and friends provides the perfect context for learning to see the Lord in everyone, everywhere, every minute, for in these deep personal relationships we can easily forget ourselves, our comforts, and our conveniences in ensuring the joy of others. This is a strait forward way of reducing self-will, which is the only obstacle standing between the Lord and us.”

-“The Bhagavad Gita for Daily Living: Volume 1, The End of Sorrow”

By Eknath Easwaran, p. 37

We speak greatly of losing self-will in the twelve step program of AA. I love this quote because it states very succinctly in the last line, “This is a strait forward way of reducing self-will, which is the only obstacle standing between the Lord and us.” When I first read about self-will in the Big Book, I had no real idea what this was. I understood and sought to realize concepts like overcoming the ego, and having the will of God play out in my life, while seeking to turn everything I do, and every accomplishment over to God. I have achieved a sense of selflessness while forgiving and embracing those I feel anger towards, and while putting myself out there to help other people that had less; spiritually, psychologically and materially, in this life. But abandoning self-will, has become a recent journey that I have only just begun to understand.

Its essence was eventually explained to me, or rather its meaning was absorbed from others, while attending meeting after meeting; that while practicing self-will, we are working against God’s will. We are practicing control and experiencing fear within our lives, while we push forward, or backwards, and impose our own will, which gradually creates an enlarging gap between ourselves and God. We digest, both quickly and essentially in this recovery program, that we must have belief in a spiritual being and “employ" a will that is greater than ourselves in our daily lives. Admitting powerlessness over our addictions, and developing an understanding that only God, not man, can relieve this suffering, we begin our spiritual paths.

Many layers of the onion of spiritual journeying have been revealed and removed over the years, for me. First, I realized I have a choice. Then I began to discover hope. Then, as I accepted Christ into my life, I surrendered a belief that I was inherently flawed while living with mental disability, and transformed at a core level. Understanding my inherent goodness, that I am a child of God, I began to understand that I am in fact gifted, and thus have sought to pursue, strengthen, and heal these inherent gifts. Still, I found myself using, and still use today, coping mechanisms in order to deal with daily symptoms. I regularly identify flaws in my character that perpetuate suffering in my life. While practicing recovery, I must regularly turn these flaws over to God.

Identifying the fine, silk thin barrier of selfish will, and searching to understand and align with the will of God, is a path to peace and healing. I must continue my spiritual journey day to day, believe that I am good, and continually make choices in order go deeper, align with God’s will, and lessen my suffering and the suffering of others. I am currently faced with a large decision that could be interpreted intellectually as making a choice in favor of ego. If I don’t pursue my creative projects that keep me focused inward and working towards a goal, I might be more present and helpful to my disabled husband, my elderly parents, my sister who is a mother, and friends within and without my support meetings that are feeling trouble. 

In my last entry, I dove into digesting the pain involved; the extent to which our world still engages with mental illness negatively, and the stigma that prevents finding the road to recovery, understanding, and compassion for those suffering. I elevated the mission of publishing a second book on this subject, to being a proactive move for alleviating ignorance and hatred, while promoting love and acceptance in writing that goes beyond my selfish will, ego, pride, and sense of accomplishment. This project will still exist in time and space; I will be myself while engaging with this project. It is an opportunity to practice accepting my limitations with schizoaffective disorder, while simultaneously applying myself. I can simply exist in the world. 

When I came across the above quote in my morning reading, I thought “Yes! I can apply these spiritual concepts in my daily living.” I must not choose to push myself towards ego, while harnessing self-will. Bowing out of or abstaining from life in an attempt to pursue this, is not the answer, however. The personal process that has gone into making the decision to publish a second book, has been long and shifting. Maybe this is what it feels like when we abandon self-will, and engage the will of God in our lives. We embrace that we are not “all knowing”. We embrace that we are being led. We engage with the fear of not knowing where we are going. It is in this engaging where we change and learn. Life doesn’t stop when we abandon self-will. Rather, it is like I have, and am developing, the ability to really listen moment to moment, and to accept that I will always be me. There will be times when I am not okay. What do they say? “One day at a time.” As my eyes open, I must accept that they are blind, and trust life to lead me to the place that resides within God’s greater will and plan.