Well, we are a few days into Fall. This afternoon, Steve and I headed out for a wander around the property with our dogs, Lionel and Bruce, and the rain began, just as we stepped out the door and off of the porch. It picked up fast, and the dry ground that I was hoping to sit on, with my coffee and my cigarette down by the ancient willow tree, became saturated with moisture. It lulled for a moment, and then picked up with great force, so we went for cover under the garage port for a few moments, and then headed back to the house. Rain this time of year is soothing to me. It is a reminder of Fall and Winter hanging in the wings, and these are usually safe periods for my illness and times of wellness. The last two summers have been intensely challenging, this most recent summer more challenging than the one before, and I am grateful, so very grateful, to be surfacing in clarity as the Fall weather sets in. I am trying very hard to let the past be in the past, and to move forward in my life, while developing anchors in my living and activity, so that I have a solid ground to stand on as I fall now, out of the clouds that have had me usurped in psychosis and symptomatic pain these last four to five months.

In one of the spiritual meetings I attend, the word attachment came up for me, in a discussion regarding balance. Letting go of attachment is a very powerful practice. What am I attached to? Well, currently I have no job, and it would be hard to say that I am attached to a state of wellness. In reality, I have had to give up attachment to a greater degree this last summer. Luckily I was not working, so I did not have to leave a job. But as I return to this world, and I am savoring my fuzzy pets, the warm embrace of my lover, Steve, and that of my mother, sister, and niece, I am so grateful to just have my feet on solid ground. At times we have to let go of the attachment to success. Success, may also simply look like happiness in each moment, for those who suffer with mental illness. Everything is a gift. When you spend time losing your mind, temper, and reality, you eventually give up attachment to who you were before, as you must return once again to the now. It is incredibly humbling, and as I surface, there are many supportive faces and comments among my fellow community members.

And there were supportive words all throughout, but I was not myself. How can you not be yourself for four to five months? It is hard. I know it is hard for my loved ones to watch as well. But we are coming out of this increasingly tolerant and educated, and with a motivated outlook regarding understanding my illness. We will all meet with a counselor to explore a wellness plan, we have exchanged words of support and concern, and I have felt heard; and, really, just people wanting to know where I am at mentally is a huge improvement. I guess that is one positive side effect of my symptoms becoming so utterly and painfully obvious. 

Having an attachment to an identity is a very powerful, and perhaps destructive thing that we deal with in life. Whether you identify with Alcoholics Anonymous, your job, your church and spirituality, your health, your body type, your youthful face, we all can experience pain and discomfort when these attachments are challenged or threatened. I suppose this is the best way to describe what it is like for me coming back to reality, and rebuilding a life among the Lopez community, now that I am well and not ill anymore. Losing one’s mind is losing attachment to all of these things, your entire identity. It is very painful and very scary. You are not sure how people are going to react to you, or if they are going to be able to give you a pass or forgive you for very strange or erratic behavior. It challenges your identity to the very core, and is quite frightening.

My big black fuzzy cat and my husband are perched in the chairs at the kitchen window that is dressed in small water particles from the rain. I am at my computer writing a blog for the first time in several weeks, and I feel ready to explore exposing myself to the world once again through my writing. I am successfully reintegrating into society, building my foundation, and generally finding my sense of self once again. Though, I have now given up attachment to almost everything, and because of this, everything is a gift. I am in the moment, and very, very grateful for all that I have.