Awake September

The days are becoming slightly shorter, and the evenings slightly cooler. It’s the Tuesday after Labor Day, and I am finding my mood elevated and my confidence fortified. Things seem to be generally good, and my demeanor generally relaxed. I still feel at times like I’m in the midst of being in a drugged up cloud. Not stumbling around and knocking things over constantly, thankfully, it is more of a comfortable scene. I don’t like to say stoned or high, because I don’t consider my medications that type of drug. It is my medicine, it’s not for messing around with, and you don’t end up finding it at the party.

My AA has been great, and my peer support group is sweet. I am settling into my new church community. And I am also on good terms with my mother/ landlord, and doctor. I don’t have any ticket’s, nor have I received any suspicious looks from any of my Police Officer friends. I have been reading my book, Glass Slippers, front to back, and also the AA’s Big Book. I have gone to the front porch spa at my mother’s the last two mornings. Things are also generally making sense. I was a little disgruntled the other day as I emerged clearly from my three month mental wander. I’m like “Well where the fuck was I, and where is everyone?" and, “Oh ya, I was just damn gone.” I am not referring to it as a psychotic break, however, as I did not ever become hospitalized. I never hallucinated the entire road turning into spiders and moving as a giant collective army about two hundred yards in a matter of seconds, and then stopping. I didn’t leave my house pantless in the middle of the city, and start jumping into the sky to get the spider colony, that had just been born from my body, and grew up in the house over the matter of my sleepless morning, into the wind current.

So, a major episode. And then all of a sudden everything is fine. What do I do with myself as I emerge? I can tell you that I really feel like I deserve a drink. But I guess I am making the decision to be chaste and to not drink. I basically admitted my slutty adulterous ways to my mostly male AA group last night. So I decided to take today off support meetings.

And yet, it has been beautiful. I am awake all of a sudden. I am somewhat or very aware of my actions. Some of what I said and did made sense over these last few months, and some of it didn't. I remember some, and I don’t remember other things, I am sure. But nothing that terrible.

So, as we slip sexily into this new season, I am allowed to similarly slip back into my life. I only hope that I can achieve sexy. And yet, I am pretty happy with my general life right now, and slowly things keep improving around me all of the time.