Two by Two
I am currently watching one of my favorite shows, The Vampire Diaries, Season 2, and we are in the midst of learning about the Sun and Moon curse. As I was sitting on the beach earlier, which my dear husband coaxed me to do, and I submitted, knowing that some beach time might lift me from the very low place that I seemed to be stuck in, I first began with saying the serenity prayer. I then listed all of the things that I could change. I then proceeded to list all of the things that I could not change. This led me to thinking about the lowest moment of my life, my one abortion, and then the fact that one cannot change who they love. Sometimes, we love people, that for whatever reason, are simply not available to love. Perhaps we loved them in a past life, and perhaps we will love them in a future life, but all we know is that we carry this love, and that is what it is, love. I cannot change this.
Luckily, these heavy moments, and these prayers, led me into a ramble about men and women, because, though I am and identify as transexual, I believe one of the things that I truly cannot change, and this of course is my life and my choice, is that I am a woman. Laying on my side, horizontal, leaning on a driftwood log with my prayer beads wrapped around my hand, a few feet from the water’s edge, I then talked on, while gazing out over some rocks sticking out of the water and on to the horizon and the islands beyond. I began to ramble about how men do have an alpha. How this is meant to be, and that they think differently, and for a purpose. They are meant to go climb up to the top of a hill and build a giant pyre and burn shit, they are meant to travel down a path in a forest with spears, in order, with a plan, in order to hunt and to kill; or in their kayaks, searching for seals and whales. They do this football, hockey, sport thing for a reason. There is a goal, and there must be order.
Us women, on the other hand, belong in a big huddle. I could just imagine it all while sitting there with nature on the beach. We are meant to pass our babies from tit to tit, and share and work on community projects such as basket weaving, drying meats, raising the children - in herds, in a circle, as one body. And then came the thought that, we are just grateful for someone to lay with at night. That it should not matter who it is, because we truly don’t know if we will be alive tomorrow. There could be a raid, or an awful storm, an animal attack, death in childbirth, anything.
So when did we start pairing off like it was the only mission of the world? When did we divide ourselves up, break up our communities, and loose track of the qualities that men and women truly need and should have, as well as should foster for healthy survival? It is quite a riddle, but why not call it the curse of the Sun and Moon? Look, we are not machines. We are not robots, and ‘unto death do us part’ should really be when the sun rises. Because we do not know what tomorrow will bring.
But we no longer act as a community. Somehow, religion, law and money, factories, the industrial revolution, war, god only knows, brought us to this place. Here on my small island, we are on a search to reconnect to nature and our roots. I am grateful for my partner, and he is the only one I truly trust. Perhaps this is the right path for some of us. But even though I do not get to have children because of my disease, I do understand what it is to be an Aunt, and I do believe in and bond with my female herd. It is also okay to be different. A true community honors all of the strengths and differences of each of its members. There are no members’ only clubs, there is no Donald golf course. On this planet, we need to reconnect with our nature, the moon within us, and the sun being a reminder that what we really only have is this day. One thing I can change, is how I choose to embrace this day. I can choose to push myself beyond the low that hangs heavily on my heart and threatens to pull me under. I can choose the shore, the waves, the sand, and the evening light. I can choose to accept love, in what ever form it is offered to me. I cannot, nor do I choose, to deny truly feeling love.