Day Twelve

I am so grateful to be in AA, once again. In 2007, when I was released from Harborview Hospital Psychiatric ward, I attended meetings for one year, and earned a year coin. I had a Sponsor, though I moved away from Seattle when I was working on step three or four, I cannot quite remember. I attended a Women’s Meeting in West Seattle, and a Speaker’s Meeting in that neighborhood, as well. I attended a couple of different Meeting venues on Capitol Hill. I loved AA in Seattle, because there is literally a meeting every day, perhaps even several different times a day, that one can attend if they wish.

When I arrived on Lopez Island, I mostly attended the Women’s meeting on Wednesdays. However, being married to the Restaurant Industry, I found myself sitting daily at a bar while picking up my husband from work, and I started drinking regularly, once again. In the early Fall of 2015, I found myself hitting the ground hard after a maniacal summer of working, drinking, partying, and entertaining, all the while suffering with a ‘broken’ knee and an Ecoli bloom in my gut flora, that had me eating anything but Starch. On my week-long vacation to Seattle in October, I was suffering horribly from this intestinal affliction, and I spent most of my time ill on my friend’s sofa. It was an attempt at rewarding ourselves for all of our hard work, and yet I barely was able to enjoy myself, due to the illness. I overdosed on Marijuana, snorted what I think may have been Meth, and I found myself cheating on my husband, (back here on Lopez). I had two sleepless nights, one on a night flight back from Honolulu in November, and one at an all-night Winter Solstice gathering in December, of which I was sober at throughout the whole night. Sleepless nights are a permanent negative in the Schizoaffective/Bipolar-Type world, thus I was breaking an ancient wellness code.

So, these last three years, that I have spent recovering from my Psychotic Break #4, I have spent more days not drinking than drinking, and when I have been drinking, I have kept it pretty much on the down low. I mostly have not attended the bar, except a handful of times in three years. But this Fourth of July, I found myself suffering with symptoms, much like I did last Summer, and began to start collecting beautiful bottles of fine liquor, and lining them up on the shelf above my bed (They are still there as a reminder.) Drinking shots at 6am of Bushmills, (the two Bushmills bottles are missing), and shouting at the neighbors. I pretty much lost control, and so, twelve days ago, on July Eleventh, one of my most favorite times and numbers of all time, 7-11, I chose to quit, and I committed to start attending meetings. I have been trying to attend my Peer Support (Mental Health) group for a few months now; though everything was definitely on hold while I was on my hard liquor-binge. So, I have four meetings to attend a week, and I am stoked. This is all I want to do.

I have so much yet to learn about the program, Alcoholics Anonymous. I am grateful to this community, and to the wise souls that sit around the table with me. I feel welcomed and heard. So far, I have been honest. It is Anonymous; I may share my life on this Blog transparently, but at a meeting, I am able to share the darkest of moments, of which I can only describe to the world through writing in metaphor and poetry.

Still, those of you that peruse my Blog, are another type of meeting for me. Thank you for helping me to live transparently. I truly believe, that God sees everything, and knows everything: what I say, feel and think; and so telling the world about it is old news. God is one step ahead, always, and I am grateful for His guidance and His witness to my Journey. I just hope that I remember to have Faith, to Pray and to Praise in all of the moments, while never forgetting the compassionate-power of Gratitude and Forgiveness.