Birthday Blues

My birthday yesterday was actually just heavenly. I had so many nice things happen in my little day. Blessings were everywhere and it was sunny and nice. I won’t get into all of the details. I also was dealing with feeling weak and frail as well as having some discomfort in my belly that would not seem to go away. After gathering with my family in the afternoon-evening, I came home and in settling down I could feel the discomfort more heightened. I watched some of my favorite show, and eventually tried to lay down to go to sleep. But the discomfort was too great. It also had built up in my body throughout the day due to pushing it down in order to be well enough to participate in my birthday plans. We only get our actual birthday once a year, and there is something to be said for that. The magic of the actual day. At midnight I felt this strange calmness or peace underneath my feeling sick, and I knew that I did not have to try anymore. The moment had passed to be special. The pressure was released. But I did not feel better. My mind began to run away. I tried to wake my partner but he was not happy with being disturbed. So I began to cry. I still could not sleep. I went outside, smoked, wrapped myself in a blanket and laid back down. This went on for hours and finally at 4am I took the medication that sedates me, and drifted off into a post birthday rest.

For me, when the tears come, I am not always able to assess what the trouble is behind the crying at the time of doing so. My mind is tenuous, and there is usually fear and anxiety involved. Because if my illness, what I described above is actually way worse than it sounds or would be for someone without diagnosis. Mental illness, and my disability play a major role. I needed someone, and slowly I became that person. Literally, I sat there, caressing my arm that was aching with the rest of my body, and told myself that we would be okay. That we are worthy of love. That this would pass. I never or very rarely have ever had thought of harming myself or committing suicide, but I gather for a fellow consumer, this may be where those thoughts might creep in. Late in the night, with no-one to call, the rest of the world on a different frequency, and you all alone. I was reminded the other day that generalizations are never a good idea. That every mental health patient has an individual experience. The truth is that we also have something in common. We need support groups, we need community. The thing is, in a town as rural as Lopez, these connections are few and far between. Finally, right now, the Resource Center is working on assembling a mental health support group. I plan on attending and I hope others will come out of the woodwork. We may have different experiences, but I believe that there are common threads, experiences, and longings that we will find run through all of our stories. Aligning yourself with “your people” can have amazing effects on realizing the truth of your situation; that you are not alone, that you are worthy of love. Sometimes those who are outside the scope of having a mental health diagnosis or experience are just incapable of making you feel truly seen. It is not their fault. This has to be true for so many other groups. Gays, Blacks, Cancer patients, Indigenous peoples, The Deaf and Blind, Veterans, Addicts, the Sexually assaulted and raped. If we can align our stories with another, perhaps we will be able to tap into that friendship and support when those tough moments come; when you are truly alone and it is 4am and there is no-one to call. There is always the mental health support line, the crises line, county and national (I prefer the national number). There are also prayer lines where people pray with you.

I miss the days when I could head out into the big city, and always there was someone, at a bus stop, at a coffee shop, at an AA meeting, at Seattle Mental Health, somewhere in that giant pool of people, to find. Your own personal picking grounds for a friend. Just dive in and find somebody. It is not really that way here in this super tight knit and small rural community of Lopez. Sometimes we need the big world. Social media has proven to be that for me in a small sense. I hope you that are out there that need a friend, someone who will witness your pain, not just dance around you with colloquialisms or their current identity trip, but really see you, and talk, can find that person. We always need to remember there is a way, even when we feel the most isolated.  Be yourself. Be at peace, and remember in your sensitivity, in your vulnerability, in your hopelessness, you are never alone, you are worthy of love, and your feelings are valid and real.