Permeability

We are permeable beings. Some of us more so than others. I have to contemplate this simple scientific reality when it comes to my relationships and how I expend my energies. It is not just about people and relationships, I can be ‘permeable’ with situations and ideas. For example, when I was headed into my difficult time in the spring of 2016 that led to a psychotic break, the elections were a huge cause of stress in my life. The whole world and the news was buzzing with charged energy around Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump, as well as other republican candidates. Some of this was good charged energy, and some of it was negative. Bit it did not matter the charge. It still was capable of permeating my sensitive membrane and taking up room in my consciousness and therefore causing me stress. This year, and lately, I have become better about building myself a supportive and cushioning cocoon in which to protect myself. The holidays did not take a huge toll on my psyche as I know it does and did for many other people. I do have the theory that people that suffer with suicidal thoughts, depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, have more permeableness to their quality of being. We are taking on too much from the world and other people, and we have not learned how to protect ourselves. Medications help correct our brain chemistries, but we also need to learn how to protect ourselves, our permeable membranes, and feed ourselves with neutral and calming energy. Meditation, creativity, and living in the country away from stressful city environments can be helpful tools. Also learning to not give too much of ourselves to the stresses of work, the public, school and toxic people. Again, the people or situations do not have to be negative to be a drain. We can permeate with people that we love to whom we long to be supportive. I have more of a tendency to do this because I love giving of myself to people or a project. I need to always be balancing rest and activity carefully in my life.

I am learning that I can have value in my existence by just being. Emptiness if form and form is emptiness. This is a Buddhist teaching. I also wish to take the ‘path of least resistance’. This does not mean I need to or wish to become lazy in my life, I can still try and make effort. The lesson that these words provides for me, however, is to constantly be listening and open to the push or pull of the energies of nature and the universe. My illness has been one such lesson. My illness has taught me to steer clear of school and work in my life. They have led to disaster and symptomatic behavior many times. They have even caused me to be hospitalized. I can still live a life of great meaning. Buddhist teachings are helping me right now with moving even deeper into this lesson. My ego and the need for achievement in my life have worked against what the universe has been trying to teach me through my illness. But my ego is not my authentic self. It and its imbalances are largely due to my upbringing and conditioning. I can learn to let this go, heal from this, leave this in the past, and move forward into a spiritual life. I meditate and quest for deeper meaning. I learn also to surround myself and feed myself with neutral energies that do not lead to depraved symptoms from permeating with so much charged energy. I am seeking form within the emptiness. The more room I make in my life and the less I do, the more I feel I can become who I am truly destined to be. Less is more. I need space to evolve and heal. If I am filling and permeating myself to be so filled with the energies of the world and others, or from difficult tasks, I then have no space to heal and realize my destiny.

Filling my life with activities and pastimes like reading and meditation have allowed for much healing. I have needed for some time to “remember” or rediscover my identity by allowing myself to just be and exist in this universe with all of my flaws. As I give these flaws space and room to heal and breathe, I find that I am more confident in who I am and who I am becoming. There is still time to manifest my simple destiny.