Existentialism

Today is a holiday. A very ancient earth based holiday called Beltane. I went to a fire at my local State Park and watched the light fade on the layers of islands, geese flew over head, a heron perched in a tall tree silhouetted in the pale peach sky, and the Washington State Ferries tugged bye clucking and buzzing and lit up like a horizontal moon passing along the crystal waters. As the light faded, my partner and I, Steve still only a year out from a major spinal surgery, and my leg debilitated with pain from god knows what (arthritis and general fatigue from walking five miles on the road that day) trekked up the steep path back to our car.

I am glad I am home. Today I had a revelation. I journaled extensively regarding making choices and how reclaiming my will, personality, individuality and power by committing to making real choices in life will help cure me in having a severed personality while suffering with psychosis, schizoaffective disorder and addictive behaviors. Choice is the answer, but more specifically making choices. Choices make noise and can sometimes induce anxiety or fear such as fearing people’s approval or the fear of having to live with the impact of your choices which very often can be both good and bad. Nothing is simple in life. So if we are butterfly wings and stones casting ripples in everything we do, isn’t that enough? Isn’t that the science of existence? Isn’t that proof that God is within and without, that everything is connected? It may elude the most proficient mind, but believing in existence, our choices and movements in consciousness, is taking Faith one step further into true fullness. When we open our eyes, when we wake up, just observing this phenomena is enough. There are no more questions such as “What is the purpose of life?” or “What is the meaning of God?” Because we can see the evidence in ourselves and in everything. The fact that we exist is enough. But awakening to participating in and observing this truth in awareness with our eyes open is not a common thing. Most of us make choices everyday, but we rely on the universe to solve our lives, and it does eventually. But perhaps if we claim our lives and choices every step of the way, see existence as beautiful and good, and we see this as God, then we will not be plagued in the future with insubordinate amounts of grief and guilt.

One symptom that I have lived with for years as a result of suffering from large amounts of psychosis in my life and not always able to find reality or remember events that occurred, is that I believed that many things that were not my fault were actually my fault. I was to blame. Even for an event so far from my control and as obscure as 9-11. I am definitely responsible for Trump being elected, and the story continues. But if I start claiming and participating in my existence, by making real choices, than I will be very aware of what I am responsible for. Again, actions make noise; for every action their is a reaction. Yes, I am still vessel of God. Yes the Universe is ultimately all knowing. But I refuse to be one of the masses. I refuse to continue through life unconscious. I am awakening.