The moon represents what lay deep underneath our surface selves. It resembles intuition as well as the cycle of life, femininity and the end of a journey representing new beginnings. I am unfolding. I am shedding and exploring my deeper levels. I am softening and as I spend day after day sober and with my natural self, allowing myself the room to not be that which I am not and the freedom to attain achievable goals, my awareness bleeds through these deeper layers of my being. The moon is a guiding principle, my favorite tarot card as of late and a name that I call my emerging self that is much about remembrance. I am remembering a young self that was once emerging and discovering it’s feminine, round and individual identity.

Now I am round. My breasts large, my stomach and butt voluptuous. Many parts of myself that were based in ego and constructed by expectations of western society and culture are melting away. What I am left with is solid, distant, whole, mysterious and reflecting light. I become aware of my deeper shadows, but I allow them to exist in the natural cycles of life rather than allowing them to haunt me and erode at my self confidence like a demon clutching to my aura in the shadows. I am these shadows. Sometimes I am dark and hard to see. Sometimes I am full and glowing and people admire my invigorating energy and creativity.

My moon-time has become a monthly time to check in. I am allowing the difficult feelings to arise, both physical and emotional as I encounter something that seems hard to avoid or stifle month after month. It is a sign that I am becoming more integrated as I age, and this is teaching me great lessons. I am finding that as I exist gentler, more organically, and in tune with the planet, stars and moon, I am building confidence in myself. I feel like I understand and know myself and have a greater capacity for self love and self acceptance. Something that has been hard while living this life as a perfectionist, a mental health patient, and a sufferer from psychological addictions, compulsive behavior, depression, psychosis and mania. These are all really big words, and as I integrate, I have less need for them, they fade away like the morning mist over the field, or chilly mornings as we move deeper into spring. I am finding that I am in control, I am not being ruled by doctors, evil forces of nature, or symptoms. I am integrated and round. I am whole, like the moon, though still ever changing, moving and cycling in this world.

Onions and veggies are sizzling on the stove, and Judy Collin’s voice is sweetly pouring though the speakers next to me. A cool breeze is blowing the feathers on my dream catcher as it penetrates the house on flickers of sunshine that are also illuminating the yellow daffodils in a vas. Today is the equinox, and it is a time of balance. Light and dark, day and night, warmth and coolness. I am grateful for this time of awakening, and the ancient energies that are afloat in the wind, speaking to me of wisdoms and love long past. I am grateful to be breathing into the deeper layers of myself and allowing them to meld with the cycles of the earth, the moon.