It's All Good

Every now and then it is important to give ourselves that one desired indulgence, especially when we have been working very hard. For me, I quit drinking and now I am seriously cutting back on coffee and other caffeine. I try and walk over three miles almost daily, and while I have been meditating for the last couple weeks, I have incorporated a small yoga practice, about twenty minutes a day. These may sound like small achievements, but when we do them every day and with discipline, every now and then we need to indulge in a way that fills and fuels the coffers of self enjoyment. Today, it being that time of the month, I had a late lunch of several tacos, I had a couple more at five pm, and still was just not satisfied. I was full enough, but the glutton in me wanted to be FULL, truly satisfied. So I went to the store and got a couple donuts and a veggie potpie. I ate the donuts right away, but the pot pie took fifty minutes to cook. I just finished it and now, full of dough, potatoes and vegetarian gravy and veggies, my gut feels ultimately and divinely satiated.

Today was a day of rest. I pushed myself too hard on my period yesterday, doing my 3.6 mile walk for the fifth day in a row. I also did a half hour of yoga and meditated on the yoga mat and at the beach. In the evening I crashed. I needed to take a lorazepam after trying to just lay still in the guest room for an hour. This helped and I felt better. I was then encouraged to take a day off of my exercise today, still on my period, and check in deeply with myself. I sat down by the willow tree in the gorgeous and chilly December sunshine both in the morning and afternoon. I read tarot and soaked in the hot tub and did just a few minimal stretches with some sitting on the yoga mat. I was needing nourishment, and it felt good to stuff myself just now. I didn’t even eat too much on Thanksgiving day, I usually have pretty good habits and discipline. I work hard. I am not so much telling you this now because I need an excuse or I need to accept my actions because I do not; it is not that, I do accept my actions around food today, I am simply saying that every now and then, after working so hard, it feels good to rest and indulge.

I have been feeling some sadness for a couple of days. I have been feeling the quiet set in with the dark early evenings. I have been wanting even more quiet and since my family left a couple days ago on a trip for a week, I am feeling like just really settling into this quiet even more.

Introspection is so important, and I am constantly teaching myself the lesson that “less is more” on various levels and frequencies. The stiller I get, the less I want to distract. It feels like recently, I have been submerged into a world of very few distractions with my family in Hawaii. So of course the dissonance arises. Of course I pause, and realizes how much it is that I have been doing. Sitting with this dissonance, I find that I only want to sit more, be quiet and still, and look further inward. I want less distraction. I want less phone calls. This space feels amazing though it also makes me sad. But it is in this sadness where I am going to see the face of who I truly am, what I really want. In this sadness I may find that I can comfort myself, that I do not need a veggie pot pie after eating enough. But today I did, and I am glad I had it. It felt good to give myself what I wanted for the purpose of pleasure for a change.

Here I am. Sitting in the silence, laying in the silence, walking in the silence. Maybe there is ambient music playing, but still, yes still, I find stillness. It is underneath the dissonance, the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty. But it is good. I am good, this is good. Whatever it is, it is good.