Primal Healing
What is it that makes us rage? Deep underneath our many facades, many faces of the ego, we have our id or our primal self. I was able to get in touch with and speak with this primal self just now for a couple hours while sitting in the yard around a raging fire in a circle that I built this last summer. Part of the reason I was conversing with this self was because it had an awakening the night before. I had a violent nightmare and was awakened in a startle. I was unable to shake the feelings of rage I was having, and instead fully indulged in an outrage that scared my partner. It has been months, even years, since I have had an anger outburst such as this, and so once I was through it, I went into my guest room to calm down and let Steve recover in his space. Then later, I emerged and we talked about what had happened, calmly and reflectively. This morning I awoke and cleaned up the carnage from my episode and was humbled once again.
The emerging of this primal self, this primal rage, was recent, and somehow sitting for hours in front of a fire surrounded by large stones as the wind blew the smoke all around, I entered a timeless place. It felt as if I was doing or experiencing magic. I was communicating, with myself, with nature, and though there were not always words to this communication, I was able to resolve what lay so hidden and deep on my psyche. I looked deep into the flames, lost a sense of time, and settled within myself the anger that was bothering me deep in my soul. The funny thing is that I didn’t feel anger as I was resonating with the hot orange flippant flames, I just felt very silent. I was communicating with nature, my nature, and I was pouring my rage into the flames for them to devour. This communication is what I was referring to when I said it felt as though I was practicing magic. I heard a voice, “You do not need the Tarot, all you need is here.” I may still do a reading this evening, but the level of primal insight I felt was beyond words, and I downloaded much solace as I communicated with the divine through nature.
Timelessness is a very special place to find. Perhaps you have your special ways in which you achieve this. I usually do it by meditating in nature, sitting on the earth, and breathing and being still. I listen to the small inner guides and voices that are with me on this journey, and I reflect and observe, sometimes without thought, all that is in and around me. Today the fire just seemed to pull me so strongly to a ‘timeless place’, and nothing else mattered. Because I had just survived such an intense and rage-full experience where I was lost in my primal self the night before, it was not hard to speak to this usually hidden realm within myself. I believe our core is buried deep beneath layers of ego and identity, that we struggle and wrestle with every day. Sometimes we forget entirely who we are, or we may at least be able to admit that we are floundering. I believe our Id or primal self does know itself. It exists down below the words and conscious thought, yet it is still us. There may be many secrets we can discover about who we are if we are able to venture this deep. I suggest some activity where you are able to achieve a sense of timelessness.
More and more in life I find that less is more. The more precious things I get rid of the more I am able to appreciate what is left behind that I kept. The less I do in a day the more value the activities have that I do participate in and the more present I become. Less is truly more. Just deeply comprehending the beauty behind the creation of a simple piece of art, either that you made or another did, takes time, true reveling. If you are too busy moving onto the next thing in a hurry to get somewhere or to achieve something, you may never really even know what you were looking at. I don’t want to be that person that is filled with blessing but does not see it as so because I want more or am looking the other way. I do not want to be that person that fails to experience life because I am hoping for or working for something in my future. I want to be that person who is constantly discovering things that are right before me or within me that I already have, learning to appreciate them more, or experience them on an even deeper level. If God is in every cell and every atom, just me and my naked body, no possessions, clothing or shelter, is enough blessing to spend a lifetime comprehending. Ain Sof Ain.