All I Need is the Air that I Breathe

I have been working hard at some goals since the end of November. Mostly this has consisted of walking a couple miles every day, but as of January first I added yoga and flossing. It has been going well, but yesterday I crashed. I became so focused on a goal that I lost track of myself. Today I am home alone, taking care of what is necessary, but doing as little as possible. It feels good to have the house to myself and the space to reflect deeply on my process.

I am still baffled how I continually drive myself into the pits. I feel great sadness and failure around my inability to reach my goals. I have been facing some sadness from the past that I have not thought about for some time. How I lost track of my friends in my late teens due to my illness. I see now that many are still connected, by viewing facebook, and I grieve the fact that I was cut off from my self, my journey, my hopes and dreams because I fell ill. I also am faced with wanting forgiveness and have deep grief for once again hitting my limit while trying to achieve what seems so achievable for a basic human being. At these times I reflect on a few pieces of feedback I have had from a couple of friends as of late. They see me as busy, they see me accomplishing and doing a lot. When am I going to be able to embrace my limits, my fate. Why does my disease/illness feel like failure?

I might be bruised but I am not broken. My heart is still beating. I’m alive and I’m still breathing, I’ve got hope that it is going to get better.

Perspective is good and this day of inner contemplation I hope will give this to me. I want to be able to step back from my sadness, my feelings of failure, and allow in acceptance and self-love. Recently, listening to a couple of Oprah’s podcasts, Super Soul Sundays, I found myself criticizing the people I was supposed to be absorbing wisdom from. Even Eckhart Tolle is guilty of having a breakthrough that brought him a book or enlightenment. These people speak of something in their life that gave them awakening. A moment of hitting bottom, of breakthrough, or maybe a single psychotic break. But what of those of us that suffer all of the time? When does enlightenment come for me, when my suffering, by bottom, my psychotic break is the norm? Am I worthy of being on Oprah’s podcast? These wisdom sharers have success, they have made it, they are being interviewed by Oprah. Meanwhile, there are everyday people like you and me that are living it. We are still living the struggle, the pain. There is no end in sight, there is no “moment” of awakening. It is around us all of the time. We can’t necessarily “sell” it.

So my book may reach a few, but I doubt I will be on the Ellen show or on Oprah’s podcast anytime soon. I doubt my blog will develop thousands of followers as many have on Instagram. I am truly a diamond in the rough, and life continues on in its roughness as it seems I get nowhere. Once again I am faced with my limitations and the reality of how debilitating schizoaffective disorder can be. This is my fate, out of the spotlight.

It’s just another story. We all have one. Sometimes I think it is the ones you can’t read about or don’t hear about that are the true history changers. Am I one of those stories? Am I a diamond in the rough? We will see. We will see.