Optimism

This morning I awoke at 8 am which now is on the early side for me. After a journaling session and a half an hour sit in the woods with my dogs, I feel refreshed. I worked yesterday for seven hours at the library, and helped set up a booth at the farmers market and paddled out on the pond to do a treatment for it with my mother. I was tired when I got home, but I am learning to rest, to take care of myself. What is new and amazing is that I feel great, not great in a manic way, but in a grounded and holistic way. I still plan on taking it easy today as I may get called into work more this month as a fellow employee just resigned. This is coming at a good time. I am stable on some new medication that is proving to be a very positive experience. I also need the money.

I wasn’t so sure I would be able to return to the Library. I took a three month hiatus in order to be a caregiver to Steve and to adjust my medications which took longer than expected. For months I have been sitting with symptoms, feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed coupled with side effects along the journey, of dizziness, weakness, and sleepiness. I learned to take it day by day and to trust the process. It was not easy, but I had a companion on my journey. Steve had his major spinal surgery on April 5th, about the time I left the Library, and is on a 6 month to a year path to recovery. He has seen a lot of improvement but is still restricted in major ways and is in a lot of pain.

New immersions are on the horizon, right before my very eyes. I picked up the feather of a Flicker on the path this morning and it symbolizes new rhythms, spiritual breakthroughs, and increased energy for creativity. It was a simple omen I chose to devour. I feel this happening. I am finally cutting back on smoking and Steve and I have finally decided to both quit drinking, motivated partly because of the financial drain of buying beer and wine. Being on a budget provides opportunities for discipline as does being vegetarian, and having a low stress life without work. I am still not working full-time, but I have strengthened and healed to a place where I can handle some volunteer and paid hours. I am thankful for this. As I see myself perform well at my job and remain energetic and enthusiastic, I am paid ten fold for putting up with the challenges of having symptoms and going through the very difficult medications change.

I am optimistic. I am still working on exercise which is a challenge with a bad knee, and the ever prominent issue of being a smoker. I do, however, have fueled and renewed strength and confidence that I will reach my goals soon as long as they are achievable. It is important to revel in how far I have come. It is important to honor my efforts and the disciplines I have succeeded in. I am also improving on having boundaries as I exceed in creating the life I wish to have. I am still in therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, journaling every morning, meditating, eating vegetarian, and practicing being in the moment and being kind to my husband. No doubt we all slip at times and there are bad days, but today I am feeling optimistic, proud and grateful, seeing how far I have come. I am also filled with the sensations of resilience, hope, spiritual strength, and purpose. May we all continue, begin, and prosper in our journeys towards healing and better health.