It is early and overcast. The birds are chirping and welcoming the day to existence. My existence feels worthy and enlightened. I have worked on a book, helped Steve in his recovery, cleaned my house and fed the cats and dogs. Today I hope to mow the lawn and sweep the floor. It is a simple life but I am happy and fulfilled.

There are many kinds of addictive behavior. Obviously there is drinking and smoking and Steve and I have battled our fair share of those kinds of troubles. But the latest addiction that I am battling feels like the root to all of my addictive behavior. It is an addiction of the mind and spirit. It is the addiction to a lack of love, the ego and striving.

I have designed my life to be as successful as possible. This is in the face of dealing with a serious diagnosis called schizoaffective disorder. I try very hard to keep a job, go for walks and to the gym, go to groups and volunteer. Lately I have cleared my schedule of all of that and I am finding a new sense of purpose. I have discovered myself as a writer and I have recently done the Artist’s Way. I know that we need to nurture our creative selves, and if we are truly artists, we need this creativity, we need this search.

I have limited resources, but I know that I expend myself psychically in many ways. I am still discovering how I do this. I sacrifice myself for others simply by loving them and absorbing their pain. My new found relationship to Christ is helping me hone in on my boundaries. It is also allowing me to just love myself the way I am and spend less energy on cruel thoughts and behaviors towards myself. I have a pattern of becoming impatient at home if I am telling myself that I need to work in order to be a success. This has framed itself as an addiction. I also am addicted to giving too much of myself energetically to others, and I believe this is why I have put on weight, to protect myself psychically. I am still fine tuning how these two issues are connected, but I realize that more time to myself and spent allowing for subtle forms of creative fulfillment are necessary. This looks like not having work and not over scheduling my time as I am prone to do. I have made huge advances in this realization and execution of this in my life, but I don't want to rebound or slip into this act of self denial after Steve recovers.

It is important to realize that I am disabled as well and I deserve love and rest just as much as Steve has needed with his condition and surgery. The last weeks in March and beginning of April, I was experiencing symptoms and I backed off of the gym and volunteer work. I need to figure out what is totally necessary for me to fill my time with and only participate minimally. This will allow time for writing, reflection, healing and enjoyment. I am learning this new path and it has taken on the form of seeing that I do live my life with an underlying addictive behavior. I am going to continue therapy with a new therapist off island to discover and explore this further. What I know now is that I need God and I need to love myself no matter what. I need space and love to allow for as much fostering of my creative path as possible, as well as realizing the subtle boundaries of my psychic being. So here is to a new life filled with this subtle discovery and new hope for self love.