Connection

There is light in darkness, there is dark in the light. I value the abstract. I have always been an abstract thinker and artist, savoring concepts, the bigger picture, and an open mind. I have been guilty of black and white thinking, and I feel often my shame is triggered by the fear that others think this way. What I am learning to understand is that life is not perfect, and to trust that people are able to have compassion and understanding, even for me.

The last few days I have been vulnerable and opened up. My body became full of information and feeling. I retracted from outside stimuli and took a bath in the afternoon three days in a row, just so I could lay in the hot water and listen, to my body and my emotions.

It is a time of opening on my part of the planet. The earth is reaching towards the sun and the light that has begun to return is showering down like a new day. The frogs have begun singing, and new sun is pouring in through my retina, reminding me of life. It is a hopeful time. I have chosen to receive massage therapy every week right now. This practice has begun the process of me listening to my body. As I receive the healing touch, not only is grief and strain released from my muscle tissue, I am given intense as well as gentle information about who I am and where I have been. I have found memories returning from small lost caverns in my past, I have felt tears come; I have had revealing sensation in my chakra centers.

It is a very important time for me to be still and listen to myself. These last few days I have felt overwhelmed and tender, but in a good and aware way. Often throughout my past years, spring, beginning around Imbolg and Groundhog’s day, is difficult and I am prone to be attacked by a gamut of symptoms that make my life unmanageable and very difficult. Over the years I have learned to cope, and in the past few years symptoms have become less and less. It is still true however that this is a very transparent and sensitive time. I have shed good healthy tears, had subtle revelations as ancient grief is released. I have pulled inward and I am getting to know myself. My fragile identity has been healing as I stitch together pieces from my past and lost emotions that run deep and debilitating in my body.

I found myself in a group situation and it was difficult. I felt I did not fit in, I became triggered and I wanted to run. It was a sharing time, and I thought that this time would be appropriate for me right now. It was a learning experience, because I am finding as I process what lies deep in my body, it feels important to keep to myself, spend time alone and in quiet. I feel so vulnerable, and honestly, I just don’t know what might come up. From major issues in my past being extremely alienated, outcast, alone and scared, it was dangerous to be in this vulnerable state around a group of people whom I realized, I truly do not even know. How can I know others when I am just beginning to know and understand myself? I do feel that I can understand those really close to me and who I feel deep compassion and love for. I feel so lucky to have such connections in my life.