Control and the Wind

I am writing right now because I know not what else to do. I have let something go. There is a need to acknowledge the idol of control. I do not have control over this world or people, and as we have seen in our community lately, everything can be taken away from you with one swipe of God’s hand. It does not always make sense to us. I and many others possibly, are faced with a risk when we think we can control our fate, what will happen to us, for we do not really know this. We can have faith, we can pray, we can believe. And I do see that this does wonders for acceptance and living in the moment. But when we speak up against a tide that we know not is flooding over us, controlling us and leading down the path of control, the veil may drop for a moment, and then we feel alone. I may be at risk for breast cancer; I may be at risk for lung cancer. I WILL lose my parents someday; I say cruel things that I know not always are cruel. On some level I live with this, but it is really easy to live in denial; denial of the impermanence, denial of the repercussions to our actions, denial of the tide that we swim in every day. It sweeps us along, though every now and then there is a moment for clarity. Why does the clarity I am feeling right now make me feel like I am not dressed in God’s grace. He has been surrounding me in swirls and giving me so much strength lately. Yet I wonder why I have lost a couple of good friends in the last two years, I wonder why I just had a fight with my mom, I wonder why my old roommate has barely spoken to me since he moved out two months ago. Yet all of this exists in a divine order. In this moment I am choosing to not feel like I am essentially good, though I know this is what God thinks of me, my spirit and my soul, and I too must believe this. I must take this moment to relinquish control and see the empty spaces and the flaws. I must take the room to realize what I must pray for, what I have chosen to deny seeing about the flaws that protrude from me every day without my awareness. There is always a shadow. I do not doubt that those I have crossed have their pain, their story and their light. God will hold them and he will hold me. Yes, there are moments to our stories and others’ stories that we cannot read, make sense of and control. I must inhabit this void for a moment to fully realize the amazing aptitude and grace of God. There is a shadow, and in this moment, feeling the cool breeze surround me and the vacancy in my heart, I choose to not be blind, selfish, self-fulfilling, and through this I feel I may actually be standing up for myself. I am also admitting my faults, for I too cause pain, make ripples, sin and err. If I don’t honor this, I also neglect to honor my blessings, my truth, and in that honor what I truly think, feel and need.