The Surge

I suffer from a chemical imbalance. At this point in my life, having well maintained personal habits and basic health, I suffer from few or lessened symptoms by far than what I used to endure. I tell myself, and it is true, that I am improving daily and yearly towards a more balanced mental wellness. I have improved my habits and trained myself in many things, social performance, cleaning habits, basic health and maintenance, general attitude, and resistance and improved handling of symptoms and unhealthy behavior that arises. I have had to remind myself lately that I do still have an imbalance, because I am doing so well that when a situation arises that is influenced by my chemical deficiency, I will forget that I do have a disadvantage. Reminding myself gently of my diagnosis, I am able to have more compassion towards myself and my imperfect behavior.

An example of this is an occasional outburst of anger or rage. There are three major ingredients that contribute to such an event. One is the wear on myself ensuing stress from achieving and striving for ultimately untarnished behavior in my daily life while dealing with others, hoping to appear functional and morally approving. The second, and this blends from the first, is my over achievement in attaining the prior coupled with a lack of compassion towards myself when I am not perfect. The third is the simple fact that I do lack a chemical, or a synapse function, on a purely biological level that enables me to have a normal amount of resistance and control over said bad behavior. I must remind myself after a weak moment when I exhibit rage, that I am disadvantaged. I try not to think this way, replacing the over used term “disabled” for “differently abled” or “gifted”. But there are moments where I must admit that I have the disadvantage for purely biological reasons.

After stomping on the ground, shouting, and resisting breaking anything major in my surroundings, while most likely indulging in breaking something minor, the moment passes and I begin to calm down. I soon realize that the trigger was something minor. I will even say out loud while in the muck of the rage, something contrary to the anger such as “He did exactly what I told him to do!!!” Typically there is little explanation for the outburst, and what I must remind myself, is that what might be a typical moment for another person, where they suppress a characteristic annoyance that is leaning towards anger, results in me as a full-fledged tantrum/ fit. I then bring myself back to the greater purpose and the resolve of faith where I must sit for a moment and have compassion for myself and my behavior. I am doing great. Yes there is room for improvement, sustained control, and the resistance to indulge… but I do have a bit of a greater challenge than most.