Where was I exactly 10 years ago?

I know I was trying to better my life. I was living in Columbia City in South Seattle, I was training to be a Peer Counselor, and not yet in Massage School. I was taking art classes at Pratt, and learning to paint fine abstract art in oils. Though I was doing all this, I was still lost and swimming through a world in my mind that I did not understand. Steve and I would take regular camping trips out to the Nooksack River, the Gifford Pinchon, or the Washington Coast to escape the city and be in nature. About this time we took a road trip to Vegas where we passed through Zion, and another to Boulder, Colorado with a friend. When I reflect I can see that my life was very full. I have had a lot of experiences and learned so much along the way; about myself and about the world. I talk about the struggle that I went through in my twenties, yet it is invigorating to think of all that I accomplished and experienced as well. I can see now that most young folk in their twenties struggle, at least if they are immersed in and trying to understand the world we live in. I also see that this is the approach I took, to dive into and experience all that I could. Yes I had a mental illness, but I am learning recently, that along with this ‘curse’ come so many gifts. I am a creative person, with what I might say if so indulged, many talents. I have been blessed with these, and yet to see the world in depth and understand its so many complex colors, one must understand them. This is the gift I have been given in its pure essence, to experience and understand the world in a way that as I express, whether it is singing, writing, painting, or working with children, I am able to penetrate through, to communicate. When trying so hard to communicate deeply with a world that is so lost, and in pain, denial, self-loathing and deception, one can feel utterly frustrated. One can walk away thinking one is crazy, become verified in that by the Mental Health system, and then take on an identity of being an outcast.

I crave to understand more fully, as well as reach out to those that hold similar gifts that ride alongside symptoms that our society will not embrace. Why does society do this? Just look at it. All humans in America are urged to follow a pop-culture; take a pill, and strive for success in any way you can, ignoring the construct of the human condition. We are encouraged to live on the surface of our souls, as well as frown on anyone or anything that brings us to a deeper level. On the fringe we have adopted customs from other cultures to try and break away from our own culture of doom, in search for depth, in search for meaning. I have never been very attracted to or sucked in by these trends, as they seem to still exist on the surface plane of pulp-culture. I have to say, that now on Lopez, I have come to know many folk intimately that do not and have chosen to not work with the commonly accepted mold of our culture. It is never easy, and one may feel isolated in the journey along the way to understand the soul.

The most important truth I walk with today revolves around understanding, accepting and honoring all that comes with living a life searching for a greater truth. Perhaps I am self-made, too stubborn to accept society in all of its flaws. This has felt like a curse, but as I grow into older-age, I can only see this as one of the greatest blessings of my life. Alongside this, I have been given the gift to communicate my truth. I don’t believe this is a coincidence. The universe balances light and dark, and we all know this on some level. When deep down in the black it may be hard to focus on the light, but it is always there, weighted in the balance of the world.